How Not to Apologize

In the leadership module that I teach at university, we place much emphasis on the ability to apologize, because people simply don't trust leaders who can't apologize. Also, they need to apologize correctly. That implies that there's a right and a wrong way to apologize.

And in private practice, when working with couples, I've often heard one of the gripes being the way the other person apologizes. The almost standard tagline is: "If she/he says it like this, they don't mean it." (The language is usually slightly more colorful.) Or, "If they say it like that, it's not an apology."

At work, and in our personal relationships, apologies can go wrong because our tone of voice or body language conveys reluctance to apologize. Not to even mention how wrong it can go in an email! The problem with the latter is that you can't see the person or hear them – all you can go by is the words and the tone of the email. (Yes, emails do have a tone of voice.)

Apology No-Nos and Do-Overs

While a sincere apology can repair damage to your relationships and reputation, a bad or false apology can fan the flames and do even more harm than the very thing you're apologizing for! So, here are some common apology mistakes, and how to avoid them:

Mistake 1: An apology with a "but" is not an apology – it's a justification or an explanation, and you're not likely to learn from the experience. "I'm sorry, but I was in a bad space," might sound like an apology, but it's a justification.

Instead, say, "I'm sorry for what I said/did. I was in a bad space, but that didn’t make it OK for me to put you on the receiving end. How can I make it up to you?"

Mistake 2: An apology that begins well but ends poorly is not an apology – it's often argumentative. "I'm sorry I did it. It happened because of how you spoke to me…" Can you hear the toxic cycle of a new argument being born here? I certainly can!

Instead, try: "I'm sorry I said that. Even though I didn't like your tone of voice, it wasn't necessary for me to react to it. How can we do it differently in future?" (We need to understand that it is a two-way street at times, without apportioning blame.)

Mistake 3: Then there's the old intent issue… "I'm sorry, it was never my intent to hurt you." I'm not sure what you're apologizing for if you say this. It wasn't your intent that hurt me – it was your action, and that's what you should be apologizing for. No one argued your intent.

It's more effective to say, "I'm sorry for what I did and that I caused you hurt. What can I do to make it better?"

Mistake 4: The passive–aggressive apology is particularly cruel. It may sound like this: "I'm sorry you feel that way." Here's the problem: you can't be sorry for how another person feels – it's a way of using the words "I'm sorry," but without any investment in the apology.

If you're truly sorry, say, "I'm sorry my words/actions had such an effect on you. I will be more aware of what I say and how I say it in future."

An apology needs to be sincere. It needs to show that the person apologizing is taking responsibility for what they did or said, showing remorse, and sharing how they intend to make amends going forward.

After the Apology

This might shock you: an apology is not enough. An apology is but the first step. After the apology, it's necessary to show, by how you speak and behave, that you're putting in the work to change.

An apology without change is lip service. I call it window-dressing. You want to make it look right without actually fixing it – that's a time-consuming and pointless exercise.

Being able to apologize sincerely, without getting defensive or huffy, is a sign of maturity and strength. It shows that you're not too big or important to be vulnerable, too.

So, just apologize – it'll take the sting out of it. (Thanks, Mom!)

Let's Continue the Conversation!

We'll be hosting an #MTtalk Twitter chat on Wednesday, June 19 @ 12 noon ET. Anyone can join! Follow us on Twitter, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function, and click on "Latest" – you'll then be able to follow the live chat feed. You can participate chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses. 

On Thursday, June 20 at 11 a.m. ET, members of our Career Community Facebook group will be able to join a 20-minute Facebook live conversation and question session. 

Then on Friday, June 21, we will release a short coaching video on our Mind Tools Coaching Hub on LinkedIn which is exclusive to Mind Tools members.  

We'd love to hear from you in any of these channels. Please share your thoughts, anecdotes and ideas with us on the topic of apologies.

If you liked this blog, you may be interested in the following resources:

How to Apologize
Mutual Respect
Toxic: A Guide to Rebuilding Respect and Tolerance in a Hostile Workplace
Keeping Your Word at Work
8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness
Authenticity

About the Author:

Yolandé has been part of the Mind Tools team since 2008 and she uses her 20+ years of experience as a therapist, coach, facilitator, and business school lecturer to help people develop their careers and live up to their potential. She thrives on facilitating conversations designed to build bridges between people by using creative questioning and thinking techniques. You might mistake her for a city girl, but Yolandé is an honorary game ranger, loves birding, archaeology, and spending time in the African bush. Early morning runs with her rottweiler and reading (a lot) are her favorite activities. And, her neighbors will tell you that she loves the kitchen and it gives her joy to "bake" people happy. 

The post The Anatomy of Apologies appeared first on Mind Tools.

I love the way a deadline helps focus my mind. Having a deadline enables me to plan my time and forces me to prioritize tasks – so I deliver my work to a high standard and on time.

My freelance work requires me to juggle several contracts simultaneously. Without deadlines, it would be virtually impossible to keep track of what needs to be done, and by when. I'd find myself making promises to clients that I couldn’t keep. And that would be very bad for my professional reputation.

Deadlines keep me on track and they allow me to prioritize, plan and perform well. And I'm not alone; anecdotal evidence suggests that most people like to work to clear and unambiguous deadlines. It helps everyone know what's expected of them and smooths the way for more effective teamwork.

Be Alive to the Downsides of Deadlines

The problem is, deadlines need managing. And when multiple deadlines clash, managing them effectively can become problematic. We hear people say they're juggling priorities or spinning plates when they're working on multiple projects at the same time.

Oh yes, we can see them doing their best to keep all their plates spinning, desperately going from one to the other to prevent a plate from smashing to the ground.

In reality, their plates are projects or pieces of work each with a deadline. A plate dropped is a failed project, missed deadline, or damaged reputation. Working like this may be manageable, or even motivational, in the short term. But long term it can become overwhelming and anxiety inducing, and result in poorer performance.

Rather than providing focus, having too many deadlines and unrealistic time frames often leads to no time to focus on the right things at the right time. We have to spend our time multitasking, doing "just enough" on each project to get by while taking extra time to manage everyone's expectations. It exhausts me just to think about it!

How to Make Deadlines Work for You

Love them or hate them, deadlines are here to stay, so it makes sense to make them work for us, not against us. Here's what I've found works for me:

1. Set realistic deadlines and, where possible, challenge/negotiate any that are unrealistic.
2. Plan what tasks need to be done and when, in order to meet the deadline.
3. Allow some contingency for unexpected interruptions or emergencies.
4. Communicate clearly to everyone impacted by your deadline.
5. Don't overcommit or allow others to impose deadlines on you.
6. Work smarter, not harder. Skipping meals, working late, and not taking rest will only work in the very short term.
7. As soon as it looks like you're not going to meet a deadline, take action. Reschedule, replan, renegotiate, and recommunicate.

Promises, Promises

How does it make you feel when someone breaks their promises to you at work? Let down? Upset? Angry? Disappointed? Yep, I hear you!

Failing to keep promises to colleagues or to our boss can seriously damage our workplace relationships. But from time to time, despite our best intentions, we find ourselves unable to keep the promises we've made. This happened to me recently and I really hated letting someone down at the last minute.

With the best of intentions, I'd overcommitted myself – only to find I couldn't possibly deliver on everything I'd promised, when I was expected to. I had no choice but to communicate the issue in the best way I could and explain that I needed more time.

I felt terrible; I beat myself up about it for hours. And I didn't like not being able to deliver on my promise and judged myself harshly as a result. The thing is, the person I'd "let down" didn't feel let down at all. Because I was able to communicate the issue clearly and in a timely manner, and offer a solution, they were very understanding and no harm was done.

I Promised to Learn These Lessons

There are two very important lessons here for me about making and breaking promises at work:

1. We're often our own harshest critics. As long as we act with good intentions and communicate respectfully, people generally understand that life happens and are open to forgiveness. After all, who hasn't missed a deadline or broken a promise at some time or another?
2. Broken promises every now and then are an inevitable part of working life. However, if we regularly break our promises to others, we'll be seen as unprofessional, untrustworthy and unreliable. When we approach our work and our deadlines by being organized, motivated, values-driven, and honest, people will trust that we did the best we could and will be willing to find workable solutions.

You may find the following articles helpful for reflecting on your own deadlines and promises. You'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full:

How to Meet a Deadline

Keeping Your Word at Work

Managing Conflicting Priorities

The post Deadlines and Promises – a Mind Tools Coaches' Blog appeared first on Mind Tools.

What's more, your own body language, as a leader, can either enhance or undermine how you are viewed. Positive body language can help leaders be more empathetic and establish better communication. It can strengthen the connection with employees and inspire trust.

To get some tips on effective non-verbal leadership communication, I spoke with Joe Navarro, ex-FBI special agent and one of the world's leading experts on non-verbal communication. Navarro is now an instructor and private consultant to major corporations. He is the best-selling author of over 14 books, including his latest, "Be Exceptional: Master the Five Traits That Set Extraordinary People Apart." I was just as thrilled to speak with Anne-Maartje Oud, CEO and Founder of The Behaviour Company and body language expert.

What Is Non-verbal Communication?

"Non-verbal communication," says Navarro, "is anything that communicates a message but is not a word." It's everything from our facial expressions and gestures, to what we wear, to how well we are groomed.

Even good manners constitute non-verbal body language, Navarro says. "So things such as:

• opening the door for others.
• using a good tone of voice. 
• smiling. 
• being kind. 

"These are all forms of non-verbals, and these are power to businesspeople. Never underestimate the power of being kind and liking others. Period."

You are always on display as a leader, whether in a one-on-one meeting or when virtually presenting to large groups. As Navarro explains, our body language constantly transmits information about our thoughts, feelings and intentions.

How to Improve Non-verbal Communication

Being conscious of the non-verbal messages we send is essential. For one thing, this awareness will help us ensure that our body language matches our words. It will also help us avoid negative body language that could make us appear unfriendly or lacking confidence.

To get you started on improving your non-verbal communication, try these tips from Navarro:

Take Your Time

"One of the things we understand universally," says Navarro, "is that a leader exercises control by how they enter a room, how they look around, and so forth. And, of course, how they dress and the manner in which they walk and carry themselves.

"Leaders don't do anything hurriedly. They don't have to. They're leaders. So, we say that they have temporal control.

"One of the things we see over and over in leadership," adds Navarro, "is this way you carry yourself where you don't have to hurry." 

Use Cadence

Navarro says another way leaders exercise temporal control is that "they take the time to meet and greet everybody, to make good solid eye contact with them. And then they deliver their message. They exercise what we call 'temporal control,' which is they use cadence."

I asked him to give an example of leaders using cadence. "Winston Churchill used this brilliantly," he replied. "Martin Luther King was also exceptional in using cadence. And we saw it also with Abraham Lincoln when he gave the Gettysburg Speech:

Four score and seven years ago, [pause]. 

Our forefathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation, [pause]. 

"Because you're speaking in cadence," explains Navarro, "you're taking up time and the person that controls time, in essence, controls." 

Navarro concludes by saying that "these are things that a leader can use and demonstrate, and in so doing, a leader is communicating that they're in charge because they're not in a hurry. Because they can take their time walking in, walking about, and dominating the conversation by speaking in tones that demonstrate that time is theirs. And, of course, speaking in cadence beautifully controls the attention and time." 

However, your body language shouldn't always be the same for every person you talk to in every conversation. Just like verbal communication, you should tailor your non-verbal communication to fit the context. Here are a couple of examples where some nuance is needed:

Body Language When Navigating a Difficult Conversation With an Employee

Conducting an effective difficult conversation with an employee is a critical leadership competence. You may need to give a negative performance review, deliver stern feedback, or reset an employee's expectations. 

So how can body language help you to handle these difficult conversations successfully?

"That's a great question. First of all," says Navarro, "you have to have boundaries. You have to demonstrate that you are, in fact, a leader, but you are willing to listen. And listen as long as it takes so that the person feels that their message is being received and that they have their say." 

Navarro emphasizes that it's essential to be direct, not fidgeting. "Just think about what you need to say in advance and then just say it. And if you have to tell someone they're being put on notice because they're failing in their task, then you just lay it out, just like that." 

I asked Oud to elaborate on any body language cues a leader should give when handling a difficult conversation with an employee. 

"It depends," replied Oud, "on if the conversation is difficult for you as a leader (maybe you are new to this kind of conversation on how to give constructive feedback) or if the difficulty is there for the employee." 

This is an important distinction. We explored how a leader can make an employee feel comfortable during a difficult conversation.

"Being a good listener helps. Listening is key," explains Oud. "Also, ensure that your posture, gestures and voice are not antagonistic. We can be empathetic with our gestures but also firm with boundaries." 

Our message must be plain and understandable, stresses Oud, "and supported by congruent behavior: a straight posture, a clear voice and good eye contact. Use your eyes to gaze as you listen but not stare with acrimony." 

According to Oud, it also helps to validate the fears and apprehensions of others. "In the end, the message must be conveyed as humanely as possible." 

Body Language When Communicating With a Neurodivergent Employee

Neurodivergent people have a brain that works differently from the average or "neurotypical" person. This includes differences in ways of learning, ways of communicating, or ways of perceiving the environment. 

Should leaders adapt their body language and communication style when talking to neurodivergent employees?

Oud says: "Adaptation is key for anyone who wants to communicate effectively. As a leader, you should observe and understand how you can create comfort during your conversation to help others, yourself and the company achieve the goals ahead." 

"Neurodiversity," she adds, "is such a broad category that may require standing further away or perhaps making less eye contact, slowing down how fast you speak, or changing the tone of voice. Observation is key to determining what will make the other person or team more psychologically comfortable and how to act accordingly."

Focusing on what makes a person more psychologically comfortable ties in with an important principle Joe Navarro talks about: the importance of observing people's signs of "comfort" and "discomfort."

Focusing on these two behavioral clues will give you the necessary information to help you adapt your approach accordingly. It will yield powerful insights that can make you a more effective communicator. Asking yourself, "Are people comfortable or uncomfortable?" is one of the top ways of becoming body-language smart.

Taking Control of Your Body Language

When we seek to learn about body language, many of us look for tips on detecting deception or projecting power. But the overarching message I have gotten from Joe Navarro and Anne-Maartje Oud is to focus instead on observing the signs of comfort or discomfort in others. Using these cues to modify your body language so that others feel at ease around you is a surefire way to become a better communicator and achieve greater success in your interaction.

Discover more about using body language to communicate more effectively, with our recommended resources:

Body Language
Adapting Your Communication Style Video
Body Language Battle Video
What Every BODY Is Saying
5 Moves to Master Body Language Infographic

About the Author:

Bruna is an educator, author and speaker specializing in emotional intelligence, leadership, communication, and presentation-skills training.

The post How to Use Body Language to Be a Better Leader – Tips From the Experts! appeared first on Mind Tools.

Unfortunately, there are many irritating people out there – from the story one-uppers and interrupters to the lazy good-for-nothings, know-it-alls, and lip-smackers. In fact, you may even work with a few of them.

What Is a Difficult Person – and Could It Be You?

Difficult behavior will look and impact everyone differently. Psychology professor and personality researcher, Joshua D Miller, Ph.D. identified seven traits of "disagreeableness" – callousness, grandiosity, aggressiveness, suspicion, manipulativeness, dominance, and risk-taking.

According to Miller, these seven traits help us to understand how antagonistic behavior can present in different people and strongly overlap with the three dark personality traits, otherwise known as the Dark Triad.

Miller even went on to use these traits to create a quiz for people to quantify their difficult personality as a percentage. I don't think I need to divulge what percentage I got, but let's just say it wasn't zero…

So, it turns out that everyone's at least a little bit difficult. But, according to Miller, as long as we are open and willing to change, our antagonism doesn't have to define us. So perhaps we shouldn't be too judgmental of other people's annoying qualities.

Three Tips for Working With Difficult People

Fine, we've admitted that we may not be the easiest to get along with. But that doesn't change the fact that we still have to work with difficult people. And while spending every day with them may feel like a never-ending nightmare, it's a reality that we all have to face.

So, if you want to keep your career and reputation intact, you'll need to learn to keep a cool head and deal with these situations respectfully and professionally.

Author of "Getting Along: How to Work With Anyone (Even Difficult People)," Amy Gallo, says that by modeling the behavior you want to see, you can "nudge" people into having more productive interactions. (You can hear from more experts about how to work with difficult people in our latest podcast episode.)

And while you may not be able to completely change other people's behavior, you can change how you react to it by following these simple rules:

1. Choose Your Battles

Consider if a person's difficult behavior is worth confronting. Does it get in the way of you doing your job? Have others complained? For example, a colleague chewing their lunch with their mouth open may be annoying, but it probably doesn't affect your work and may not warrant a discussion.

2. Take a Breather

Antagonistic actions can be tough to ignore and it's easy to allow them to cloud your judgment. Before you address the issue, take a moment to gather yourself. Deep breathing and slowly counting to 10 can help to lower your heart rate, restore calm, and look at the situation objectively.

3. Pick Your Words Carefully

If you do choose to approach the person about their behavior, be sure to do it privately. Be honest about how they have made you feel and assert your boundaries but always remain calm and polite. They may not even be aware of what they've been doing so be patient and allow them to explain themselves.

Getting along with your co-workers is an essential part of working life. But when antagonistic behavior threatens to disturb the peace, it's important not to let your emotions get the better of you. Gather yourself, be honest, and most importantly, treat others with kindness. After all, no one's perfect.

Have you ever worked with difficult people? To learn more about how to deal with difficult people, check out our supporting article.

About the Author

With a background in writing and illustration, Rosie uses her creative eye to produce eye-catching content. Specializing in videos, newsletters and articles, Rosie produces, writes, edits, and proofreads a wide range of resources. When she's not busy working, she'll likely be found whipping up cakes for her friends and family!

The post Am I a Difficult Person – or Is It Everyone Else? appeared first on Mind Tools.

They communicated in French, the dominant language at our dinner table. This allowed me to learn a third language. While I spoke Italian to my father and Greek to my mother, I spoke French to myself and majored in French at university.

Speaking a second language raises our cultural awareness, and helps broaden our horizons beyond the confines of our native language. The second language is akin to giving us a second identity, an identity as a multicultural individual with numerous personal and professional advantages. Perhaps this is what Holy Roman emperor Charlemagne meant when he said, "To have another language is to possess a second soul."

What Does It Mean to Be a Multicultural Individual? 

But being multicultural can cause identity issues and confusion about who we are. Does being multicultural mean coming from an immigrant family (like Arab-Americans, British Indians, or Chinese Canadians?) Or, do we acquire a multicultural identity from learning to speak more than one language, or from living or working abroad?

One of the best definitions of a multicultural individual comes from a recent Harvard Business Review article, "What Makes You Multicultural." Based on the authors' research, they define multiculturalism within individuals as "the degree to which they know, identify with, and internalize more than one culture."

So, being multicultural is about more than just attending a language course. Being multicultural involves taking an interest in another culture's way of thinking and behaving, so that you understand it almost as well as your own culture. 

Code-Switching

But being multicultural is slightly different for everyone. I don't switch cultural codes by changing my behavior or tone with different groups. But others will embody different cultures depending on who they're with. This is the art of "code-switching."

Traditionally it was defined as seamlessly switching between two or more languages during a single conversation. Today, it's taken on a broader meaning. It often refers to marginalized or underrepresented individuals adapting to the dominant environment around them.

According to racial research in Harvard Business Review, code-switching describes "adjustments in one's style of speech, appearance, behavior, and expression in ways that will optimize the comfort of others in exchange for fair treatment, quality service, and employment opportunities." 

Katrina Bath, a researcher for Emerald Publishing, is British by nationality and Indian by blood and ethnicity. When asked if she code-switches, Katrina replied, "Yes definitely, I really notice the code-switch with my friends and cousins.

"When I'm with my South Asian friends, I notice I become "more Asian" in the way I speak. I mix some Punjabi words into my sentences, and there's a lot more banter. When I'm around my white friends, I'm freer in the topics we discuss as I'm OK with discussing "taboo" and more diverse topics with them." 

What Are the Workplace Benefits of Being Multicultural?

Whether you code-switch or not, there are numerous benefits to being multicultural. Here are just three of the many advantages of multiculturalism in the workplace:

Enhanced Creativity and New Perspectives

Creative people are open to exploring alternatives to how things are done. They can view people, situations and objects from various viewpoints. According to research published in American Psychologist, one way to develop your ability to foster creativity is to immerse yourself in a multicultural experience.

The study shows that people who have spent time assimilating more than one culture are better able to generate creative ideas in the study lab and corporate settings.

Improved Ability to Lead Multicultural Teams

In an increasingly global world, and thanks to technological advancements, geographical boundaries have essentially vanished. These transparent barriers have made more people open to relocating for work. Companies worldwide are hiring foreign workers, leading to an ever-increasing multicultural workforce.

Developing multicultural competence to lead across cultures is vital for leadership success. Recent research published in Organization Science shows that multicultural experiences can improve a leader's communication and leadership skills when managing multinational teams.

Leaders more exposed to diverse cultures are more sensitive to cultural variations. They are, therefore, better able to convey an idea in a framework their followers are more likely to understand and value.

Better Customer Service

Depending on the type and size of the company you work for, chances are you need to serve an international clientele. A central premise of customer service is to put customers at ease, which can be challenging given the various cultures and backgrounds involved.

Multicultural people are generally more accepting and sensitive to other cultures. A multicultural workforce can enhance a company's ability to communicate with customers of different cultures. Ultimately, this means they can provide better customer service to all clients.

For example, in my hometown, North Vancouver, there's a high proportion of Chinese and Persian citizens. It's a known fact that people typically tend to have a greater level of comfort and rapport with those of their own culture. I see many businesses recruit Chinese and native Persian speakers. These employees help companies deal with customers in their native language. 

What I Learned From Being a Multicultural Individual 

Being a multicultural individual has helped me to understand and connect more deeply with people from different parts of the world. Best of all, it's helped me to cultivate cultural empathy, adaptability and patience.

Here's a quick example:

A Middle Eastern man served me once when I visited a phone outlet. He was thorough and competent in responding to my questions about fixing my problem. But I walked away from the encounter feeling uncomfortable and slightly unsettled because he avoided eye contact for 20 minutes. He looked sideways at the desk and behind me. Never once did he look at me while talking to me.

Later, when I recounted the incident to my husband, it reminded me of an essential cultural truth of some Middle Eastern countries that I had forgotten.

I spent most of my early years in the Middle East and studied Arabic in school. Here's one cultural insight I should have remembered – males and females of that region are taught to lower their gaze and avoid sustained eye contact with each other. This practice is a sign of propriety, which can be misinterpreted as rude by anyone unfamiliar with the culture. 

My multiculturalism has given me an appreciation for different cultures. It's helped me to realize that something as simple as eye contact can be a potential source of misunderstanding. 

After decades of living in Canada, I think like a North American while remaining Italian at heart. In multinational groups, when I speak to someone in their native language, I feel an additional sense of belonging, a sense of kinship that accelerates rapport. Sharing a communal language is the shortest bridge between two people.

About the Author:

Bruna is an educator, author and speaker specializing in emotional intelligence, leadership, communication, and presentation-skills training.

The post The Benefits of Being Multicultural appeared first on Mind Tools.

My friend Amy had just finished her talk for her final year thesis, which was supposed to count toward our final grade. The audience was transfixed, focused on her every word. Her visuals were stunning, she spoke confidently, and she didn't even need her notes. To cap it all, she handled the Q&A session with calm assurance.

My awe quickly disintegrated into anxiety as I heard those dreaded words, "Who's up next? Ah, Lucy. It's you."

I should have felt confident. It was my moment in the sun, right? I'd done my research, put in the prep work, and I'd spent the whole of the previous evening rehearsing in front of a group of friends.

But I didn't feel confident. Instead, I felt my cheeks turn red and I bumped into a table on my way up. All I could think about was the audience's eyes burning into me. The notes I'd so carefully prepared now seemed a bit basic, and nowhere near as intelligent as I thought they had the day before.

I did a quick calculation of my distance from the door. Perhaps I could just make a run for it? Maybe I could feign sickness?

"No, no," I told myself, "Stop being silly and get on with it!"

So, I took a deep breath and pulled myself together and, well, I got on with it!

In the end, it wasn't as bad as I'd expected. I was proud that I had resisted the urge to flee. But I still breathed a huge sigh of relief when it was all over.

The truth is, even the thought of public speaking fills me with fear. It has done since well before my postgraduate presentation, and that fear still lingers today.

At least I can console myself with the knowledge that I'm not the only one to get presentation nerves. As Jerry Seinfeld once joked (in all seriousness), "Surveys show that the number one fear of Americans is public speaking. Number two is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

Check out our brand new video with Mind Tools' Content Editor/Writer, Jonathan Hancock, who shares his handy hints for putting on a great presentation – in spite of any nerves:

We were interested in finding out how you manage presentation nerves, and we put the shoutout on our social media channels: "How do you deal with presentation nerves?"

Do Your Presentation Prep Work

Preparation featured in a lot of the responses that we got. As Facebook friend Greg Schmierer succinctly suggests, "Practice, practice, practice."

But what should your practice and prep work entail? Facebook follower Chetan Agarwal recommends that it go beyond just slide design, saying, "A lot of people confuse preparation with creating slides, but it is more about your script, intonations, anticipating probable questions and drafting your answers, your important notes, flash cards, if necessary, etc. Slides or deck is just the first primary preparation."

Instagram follower dmbarch offers similar advice. He says, "I try to prepare the best I can. i.e: write down the things I am planning to say. That way, when nerves hit, I know where to go and retake control."

Another of our Facebook friends, Deepa Hemant Krishnan, also highlights the important of seeking feedback during preparation time. She advises, "Do a mock presentation to somebody who can be a good representation of the expected audience and seek feedback."

Just Breathe!

One tip that came up time and time again, was using stress management and deep breathing to keep presentation nerves at bay.

LinkedIn follower Renee Chamberlin suggests, "Take three long, slow, deep breaths and at the same time, wiggle your toes. This helps calm you and brings you back from your anxious mind into your body." Greg Schmierer follows a similar routine. He says, "Just before the presentation, I close my eyes, take three deep breaths, and visualize [the] success of my presentation."

Engage Your Audience

Hooking in the audience with a joke, anecdote or story early on can also help you to lighten the mood, and is a great way of getting your audience engaged.

As Twitter follower Pauline Grant recommends, "Find an appropriate hook to connect with and engage your audience from the outset." Fellow Tweeter Jo Gallagher adds, "Breathe and be yourself! It's a conversation relaying information and an opportunity to engage the crowd [and], in doing so, learn something new."

Thank you to everyone who responded to our question, we appreciate the time and effort that you took to join in our discussion.

If you have any further tips or tricks on dealing with presentation nerves, please share them in the box, below!

The post Managing Presentation Nerves – Your Top Tips! appeared first on Mind Tools.

Crossed arms or "closed body language" suggest that we're feeling defensive and aren't really receptive to the person we're "listening" to. Fidgeting suggests that we're bored. And poor eye contact or blushing can suggest that we're lying (surely not!?).

Body Language: Speak up With a Power Pose

One major development in the field of body language that hit the headlines is the "power pose." This is a theory put forward in 2011 by U.S. social psychologists Amy Cuddy, Dana Carney and Andy Yap. They proposed that "... when you pretend to be powerful, you are more likely to actually feel powerful."

An idea, among many others, taken forward by Cuddy in her inspirational, best-selling 2015 book, "Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges."

What the original trio suggested was that the simple act of holding a powerful pose can have powerful impact. For instance, sitting with your legs up on the desk and arms held expansively behind your head can raise your testosterone and lower your cortisol levels. Testosterone is the hormone that affects dominance; cortisol is the stress hormone.

The study assessed participants' hormone levels before and after they held high-power (open limbs, expansive positions) and low-power (closed limbs, contracted positions) poses. It found that their initial hypothesis was true. We can indeed "fake it till we make it."

Just as a male gorilla beats his chest to assert his hierarchical dominance, humans can use open and expansive body language to enhance their confidence, increase feelings of power, and lower their stress levels.

These findings build on several psychological studies suggesting that some aspects of body language can change your emotional state. For instance, someone nodding "yes" to you can make you easier to persuade, and, when you smile, you can feel more positive.

Power Poses in the Workplace

So, how can powerful poses help us in the workplace? Or, indeed, in our everyday lives?

Well, the study proposes that, simply by striking a power pose, you can better prepare yourself for difficult or stressful situations. Perhaps you've got a presentation that you're nervous about making, or a job interview coming up.

Holding a power pose, even in private, can help you to approach these events in a confident and less-stressed way. In contrast, a weak pose that uses closed body language (hunched shoulders, folded arms, etc) can make you perform poorly.

Our Body Language Can Impact Our Wellbeing

The study also suggests that persistently practicing these power poses can, over time, improve our health and wellbeing. And it can be particularly useful for people who feel consistently powerless and overlooked, or who have low self-confidence.

Cuddy and her team point to several other studies that have shown how chronically high cortisol levels can lead to stress-related health issues; for instance, impaired immune functioning, hypertension, or memory loss. In contrast, low cortisol and high testosterone levels (both of which improve when we strike a power pose) can make us more resistant to disease and more able to lead effectively!

However, since it was published, a number of academics have questioned Cuddy, Carney and Yapp's findings. In particular, a study led by statistician Eva Ranehill, published in 2015, aimed to replicate the 2011 experiment using a larger group of participants. It revealed that there was little evidence to suggest that power poses could help to improve feelings of power.

But that's not to suggest that it can't be a real phenomenon. Just that it will likely work better for some people than it does for others.

Presence Can Take Care of the Future

Ultimately, Cuddy's findings have proved enormously popular since they were first published. In fact, her TED Talk on the subject continues to be one of the most popular of all time, and has more than 64 million views!

In her book "Presence," Cuddy says that, fundamentally, developing presence is about believing in yourself. You'll then focus less on how others see you, and more on how you see yourself. When you're true to yourself, you're less dependent on others' approval.

Power poses are part of that picture. When we feel powerful, we often raise our hands or make ourselves look bigger, like the All Blacks during a haka. This conveys that we feel comfortable with ourselves. And that we believe we deserve to take up space.

Will You Be Striking a Pose?

As someone who openly admits to struggling with nerves, and who persistently shies away from public speaking of any kind, I'm definitely open to giving power posing a whirl the next time such a stressful situation crops up.

It can't hurt, and could very likely help. And if it doesn't, there's at least a laugh to be had over my cheesy superwoman impression!

Download Our "Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges" Book Insight

Mind Tools reviews the best new business and self-development books, alongside the tested classics, in our monthly Book Insight for the Mind Tools Club.

So, if you're a Club member or enterprise licensee, you can download or stream the full "Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges" Book Insight in text or audio format.

Do you think we can change the way we feel and act just by changing our body language? The next time you're faced with a stressful situation, will you strike a power pose? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below!

The post Can Your Body Language Make You More Powerful? appeared first on Mind Tools.

Hungarian Frigyes Karinthy wrote about this phenomenon long before the invention of the internet, in his 1929 short story, "Chains." But the Six Handshake Rule, as it's also known, still holds true today.

So, if we are so well connected, why do we have so many challenges when it comes to communication, understanding and diversity? Even connecting with ourselves has become problematic.

I have a service dog. Her name is Jackie. Jackie has been trained to perform specific tasks to help me when I'm struggling with my health or struggling mentally.

But the process did not and does not begin in a training class. The process begins with me connecting with her emotionally, mentally and physically.

She has had to learn to trust me for us to achieve a mutual state of respect. For us to care for, and about, one another. You can't train that.

Connectedness, Normality and Balance

Her training has built upon the connectedness we have developed, so that she understands what a normal state for me is. And she understands when I am moving outside that realm of normalness.

When she identifies a state of abnormality, Jackie uses her training to respond. That is where she believes our strengths lie – in a state of normality.

"Every problem emerges from the false belief we are separate from one another, and every answer emerges from the realization we are not."

Marianne Williamson, American author

When we connect with others and with ourselves, we generate our own state of normality. And when we find ourselves in situations that challenge that normality, we try to move away from the imbalance and move toward a "normal" balance again. Our brains and bodies feel most comfortable and least threatened when that balance exists.

The Root of Connectedness

Human beings are connected by more than mere survival instincts: we also share a need to belong. Once we no longer belong, we feel hopeless and alone. We seek purpose in life but have no means to establish it.

Learning to understand, for example, the difference between kindness and being patronizing, or the power of language to divide, can change the way we connect with others and the way others connect with us.

We often establish false "connections," whereby someone or some group appears to embrace us, but it is not a true state of connection. It is a state that is created only to pacify, to calm, and for a temporary connection.

True connectedness allows us to feel connected whether the object of that connection is present or not.

Building Connectedness

During the #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we talked about building connectedness. Here are the questions we asked and some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. What does connectedness mean to you?

@Engage_Leaders Reaching a deep understanding and respect with a person or group.

@SanabriaJav It's not a word I use much, but it invokes a sense of community, or belonging.

Q2. How do you know whether you're connected?

@ColfaxInsurance If seeing something or hearing something makes you automatically think of a person (and they do the same with you), you're chatting frequently, you don't hesitate to reach out to them.

@emapirciu I know I'm connected when something random makes me think about a certain person/group/entity, and I feel like sharing the experience with them.

Q3. How does connectedness contribute to our well-being?

@SizweMoyo You're less stressed and it's less of a drag to work when you are being seen by your team. It makes us feel good and wanted, and this is good for our well-being.

@Yolande_MT We are not hardwired for working/living in silos. Connectedness helps us cooperate and think better.

Q4. How much choice/power do you have around your level of connectedness?

@SustainedLeader While we all encounter situations that take us out of our comfort zones, generally it is a choice. For example, some work in areas with great public interaction, others less so. We seek our own connectedness level.

@MicheleDD_MT It is our choice to make. Do we let people in to get to know us? Do we listen with empathy with others?

Q5. What are the risks of not being connected?

@PmTwee Fundamentally being connected is [a] human thing. Can't imagine the risk of not being human.

@Midgie_MT Risks include believing our own (sometimes irrational) thoughts. Others can provide a sounding board or help reframe things.

Q6. Why do connections fade/break?

@katwife Lack of attention. Tending to the relationship or connection takes a back seat. It's not top priority. Lack of perceived value in the connection.

@carriemaslen Connections can break instantly when we lose trust or respect. Connections can break over time when life moves us in different directions.

Q7. Who do you choose not to connect with and why?

@HloniphileDlam7 Anyone who has no respect for others or even for nature. You can't respect me and fail to respect others.

@MikeBarzacchini I don't know if it's a conscious choice, but I'm sure I've let connections drift and fray simply because the other person(s) didn't want to connect, or they had motivations to connect that I may have perceived as counterproductive.

Q8. How does connection benefit us at work?

@J_Stephens_CPA Even when we row the boat in the same direction, there is a difference in how we are connected. A rowing team practices to be faster and better. But slave galleys chained the rowers together. Treating each other with that respect is so important.

@umieshwar When we are connected problems are solved faster, stress is managed better, more creative solutions are presented, the feeling of fulfilment grows, we work efficiently, mistakes are corrected in the beginning, the trust grows, the team learns faster.

Q9. Who do you choose to connect with and why?

@lg217 Me personally, I choose to connect with those I feel give me good vibes because I feel that all of us can benefit with each other in some way, but it is always best to connect with those who would take the time to connect with you and not someone to use you.

@ZalkaB I tend to gravitate towards like-minded people, and also people who inspire me, who are open, kind, giving and are always looking to connect w/others for different purposes. People who see/hear/accept/value others for no "ulterior" motives.

Q10. How can we grow our connectedness?

@MarkC_Avgi Listen & observe. Pause. Think to understand not only your view on things but the view of others. Be open-minded. If you decide you want to be connected, make the first move/gesture & reach out. Give the connection a valid/genuine "effort." Do not be fooled.

@Tanjiskas By sharing and being vulnerable. Showing our true self to the other, through honesty and just listening to what the other has to say without judgment and respecting the opinion that your teammate has. Being there for each other.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up

Building connectedness is more than just building relationships with others. It's also about building strong and resilient communities.

Next week we're going to talk about building communities, and in our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know where you most frequently experience a strong sense of community. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Building Community Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources that explore ways to build strong communities. (Some of these may only be available in full to members of the Mind Tools Club.)

How to Make "High-Quality Connections"

Professional Networking

Blanchard's ABCD Model of Trust

Self-Disclosure

Building Rapport

Authentic Leadership

How to Make Small Talk

8 Ways to Beat Loneliness in the Workplace

The post Building Connectedness – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Go in too strong and you could cause offense. But try to sugarcoat bad news, and you may not get your message across.

If that wasn't tricky enough, remote working means that many of these difficult conversations have now moved online. So, how do you ensure that they remain constructive and supportive when you can't speak in person?

We asked you, our social media friends and followers, for your top tips on how to handle difficult virtual conversations. Here's a selection of the best responses!

Plan Difficult Conversations

Many of you agreed that difficult conversations require a calm and organized approach. Rather than winging it and risk saying the wrong thing, you need to plan ahead.

You stressed the importance of gathering relevant materials or evidence ahead of your meeting. When Facebook friend Alex Fullerton is gearing up to a potentially contentious conversation, he ensures that he has relevant source material and links to hand. But he also believes that it is important not to bicker. He says, "If they remain unconvinced, I typically move on."

Preventing arguments is important but ensure that you're not silencing the other person simply because you don't like their viewpoint.

Operations specialist Vijayalakshmi Vasudevan suggests sending out a "detailed agenda to ensure focus." This can prevent the person you're talking to from feeling cornered or attacked, and instead demonstrate a willingness to collaborate. This is especially helpful for online discussions when you can't provide reassurance in person.

However, particularly delicate or serious conversations may not permit an agenda. In which case, be prepared to explain why and give the other person time to ask questions.

Stay Focused

According to Twitter follower @BeireannBuanBua, it's important not to "get distracted or obsessed by the fact that [the conversation] is online." Approach the topic as you would an in-person discussion, and focus on the task at hand. Chances are, the recipient will feel vulnerable, so your undivided attention is vital for supporting them through this difficult time.

Vijayalakshmi offers a helpful reminder that awkward conversations are "equally difficult" for everyone involved. As such, keep an open mind and use active listening to understand all sides of the situation.

Honesty Is the Best Policy

LinkedIn follower and researcher Joti K. Dhillon believes that "it's important to be as transparent as possible."

Concealing the truth to protect someone's feelings may seem like a good idea at first. But this can create confusion and cause further harm down the line if you're found out.

Instead, opt for an open and honest conversation. Joti added that it’s easy for your message to "get lost when communicating online." Clear communication is key to avoid potentially damaging misunderstandings.

Make the Most of the Distance

Virtual meetings don’t have to be all doom and gloom. Well-being expert Louise Levell points out that remote working can offer much-needed distance and perspective during difficult conversations. She says, "Reading and typing gives us time to re-read, ask for clarification, digest, breathe, and compose a response and edit if necessary. There's more 'space.'"

Whether you must let an employee go, deliver a performance appraisal that's less than positive, or call a team member out for bad behavior, difficult conversations are inevitable from time to time. But with a clear and organized approach, you can help to take the sting out of painful conversations and handle even the most awkward situations.

Tell Us What You Think

Thank you to everyone who shared their tips and thoughts. If you have any ideas about how to handle difficult conversations online, make sure to leave a comment, below. And follow us on LinkedIn, Facebook or Twitter!

The post How to Have Difficult Conversations Online – Your Top Tips! appeared first on Mind Tools.

The Eight Messenger Traits

Subtitled "Who We Listen To, Who We Don't, and Why," their book explores eight traits that influence our willingness to believe what people say.

Four of these are "hard" traits, based on status: socioeconomic position, competence, dominance, and attractiveness. The other four are "soft" traits, based on connectedness: warmth, vulnerability, trustworthiness, and charisma.

How to Get Your Message Across

By highlighting the power of these characteristics, the authors wanted people to better understand why they respond positively or negatively to certain messages. But, as readers began to feed back after publication, another benefit of the book emerged.

"A lot of people have come back and said, 'We find this book most useful because it's given me some hints and tips about how I, perhaps, position my message differently,'" Martin says. "'I don't change the message, I don't change the recommendation, or what I'm asking for, but I recognize that by positioning it in a different way I might get a better response. Or, in some instances, I recognize that I might not necessarily be the right person to deliver this message.'"

Whatever we take from the book, its lessons can be game-changing, as we navigate and progress in the world. It's been months since I interviewed Martin and Marks. But I still find myself reflecting on their insight as I watch politicians on TV, or colleagues via Zoom. How is the messenger affecting how I receive the message?

Communication in a Time of Isolation

COVID-19 sent most of our communication online. But I think the eight messenger traits are still relevant, if somewhat distorted – like in a hall of mirrors. Some diminished, some blown up, and others altered entirely.

Take the trait "dominance" as an example. People strong in this trait "will often come into the room and they seem to consume the space, they use wide gestures, they sometimes invade others' personal space as well," Martin says.

Being physically big packs a punch. So when we're all reduced to a small rectangle on a computer monitor, that trait loses most of its impact. Likewise, social cues have changed and body language is less important.

Conversely, when we're communicating online, we can control what our colleagues see. In this way, we can enhance our stock in the other hard traits. For example, we can signal the traits of "socioeconomic position" and "competence" by what we display behind us: original art or sports trophies, degree certificates or the latest business books.

Making the Traits Work for You

Some of the traits from "Messengers" may seem out of our control. But there's more that we can do to improve them than you might think. Take the trait "attractiveness," for example.

Although there is a limit to what we can do about our attractiveness, something as simple as dressing up smart can have a huge impact. In one of the book's case studies, we learn that defendants who take care of their physical appearance in court are far less likely to be sent to prison.

"That's a really interesting example to me," says Martin. "Of the power of that surface vision of attractiveness. And we make these inferences and judgments within a matter of milliseconds and they can have some significant impacts on people's perception of us as a result."

Another study, about the effect of including photos on job applications, found that classically attractive candidates received interview callbacks more often than unattractive ones.

"The advice was don't put a photograph on the CV, as it can have a detrimental impact on you getting the job," Martin recalls. "So, perhaps the message here is to recognize where you are, and to play some of these other effects to compensate."

Building Your "Attractiveness"

In the world of online communication there is a lot we can do on this front. For example, positioning our webcam to show us in the best light is an easy win.

Perhaps the best news is that by increasing your ability in the other seven traits (such as "charisma" or "competence"), often perceived attractiveness increases as a result.

"A lot of the time, if you have one of these other traits, you are rated as more attractive," says Marks. "Those who are more charismatic, extrovert, warmer, positive, tend to be rated as more attractive."

"Messengers" is packed with case studies and insight into the eight messenger traits, how to recognize them, understand their impact, and put them to good use. The authors don't delve far into more sensitive areas, such as gender and race, which some readers might find disappointing. But the universality of the characteristics they do highlight makes the lessons of this book accessible to all.

Listen to Our Interview With Stephen Martin and Joseph Marks

Discover fascinating insights from some of the world's leading business figures with our monthly Expert Interviews.

Mind Tools Premium and corporate members can listen to the full 30-minute interview with Stephen Martin and Joseph Marks.

If you're not a Mind Tools member, you can join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 200+ Expert Interviews. For our corporate solutions, take a look at our Emerald Works site.

Do you ever struggle to get your voice heard? Has the move to video-conferencing affected your communication? Let us know in the Comments section, below.

The post Don’t Ignore the Messenger: Our Expert Interview With Stephen Martin and Joseph Marks appeared first on Mind Tools.