But emotions have their place at work, much as many of us like to pretend that our jobs are all business. Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy have written two excellent books on the topic. "No Hard Feelings" describes the need and value of bringing your emotions to work in a balanced way, while "Big Feelings" discusses how to deal with the difficult feelings we all face at times.

Sometimes we're dealing with big feelings in our personal lives. We might need support. And acknowledging and addressing our emotional needs can help us to get our work done.

Feelings Too Big to Hide at Work

Last year, I struggled with my big feelings around major life transitions. I hadn't mentioned these personal events to any colleagues. Then I attended a team-building event where the whole company got together.

It started with an ice-breaker exercise and I found myself face-to-face with the head of the whole company. We had a question to discuss that looked innocent on the surface, but it also got a bit personal. As I started answering the question, I began to cry, right in front of him.

He didn't know the context for my breakdown, as it wasn't really contained in the question or my answer. But I'm grateful for his kind and even-handed response. It was a wake-up call for me that I needed support during this tough time. My feelings were too big to keep to myself – and too overwhelming to successfully fence off from my working life.

Finding Support

Ultimately, work is what helped me navigate these big feelings. I spoke to supportive colleagues about my life changes. I also attended a program called "Tea and Talk," offered by my company's Mental Health First Aid initiative. One colleague led these monthly sessions, facilitating laid-back discussions around a mental health topic while we all chatted over coffee or tea.

Sometimes we need to take time off to navigate big feelings. For me, it was the opposite – I found that my work provided a necessary distraction from getting too overwhelmed by emotions.

Having something useful to do helped me feel productive during a difficult time. And when I needed to take small breaks during the day to process emotions by doing things like taking a walk or grabbing a cup of tea, my flexible working schedule allowed me to take them.

Feeling and Connecting

Bringing my feelings to work, like I'm doing right now in this blog, helps me connect with others, whether it's through the content I write or my relationships with colleagues. I've realized that knowing how to handle my emotions in a healthy way makes me better at my job.

So, don't leave your big feelings behind when you start your workday. They won't stay there. Learn how to bring them gracefully into your professional life, and they'll enrich the work you do!

Listen to Our "Big Feelings and No Hard Feelings" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio recordings.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Club member or corporate user, listen to the "Big Feelings and No Hard Feelings" Book Insight now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

About the Author

Melanie has worked as a writer, freelance and in-house editor, university writing instructor, and language teacher. She is the author of a short story collection, "Dream Signs," and a non-fiction book, "The Modern Enneagram." Melanie has written for several publications including Huffington Post, Cicada, and Contrary Magazine. And she is a certified teacher of the Enneagram, a personality typology that illuminates people's core motivations.

The post When Big Feelings Come to Work  appeared first on Mind Tools.

People of all cultures grieve; we all feel sorrow, loss and despair. We just show it in different ways. When it comes to grieving, for some cultures the focus is often placed on the individual. This can make it an extremely isolating and lonely experience.

However, in other cultures collective grief is common. Families, friends and communities lean in to support each other and grieve together. Here, death is not to be feared and is not a taboo topic.

Our understanding of the nature of grief and bereavement has undergone a transformational change. Previously received wisdom regarded grief as linear. It defined bereavement as working through emotions, with the goal being to move on and live without the person who died.

A Pathway Through Grief

Today the focus is on understanding the benefits to bereaved people of integrating the memory of their loved one into their lives.

There is more recognition that death ends a life, not necessarily a relationship, and that this process can be healthy and is not a denial of the death.

More recent theories also consider the cognitive, social, cultural, and spiritual dimensions of grief and loss. As a society, it's important to recognize that it's valuable for bereaved people to talk and to think about the person who has died. Better than encouraging them to "get over" their bereavement.

Experts no longer talk about "moving on," but instead see grief as a way of adapting to loss while forming a continuing bond with the lost loved one.

Growing Around Grief

Tonkin's (1996) theory of "growing around grief" suggests grief remains the same size, but the person's life grows around it. As a bereavement counselor, this model has proved very helpful with people I've supported. Mainly due to the removal of the expectation that there needs to be "closure." A lot of people are, understandably, fearful of this.

It's important to note that although clinical research has expanded our understanding of the distinctive symptoms, risk factors, and psychological processes (which have contributed to more appropriate support for bereaved people), there is no justifiable "one size fits all” model or approach to grief.

A feeling of loneliness is something that is reported by nearly all of the clients I have worked with. They may have family and friends around them, but they are alone with their thoughts and their grief.

People shy away from checking in, not knowing what to say. Or they offer support initially and then distance themselves, leaving people alone with their grief. It can be an additional loss, where the people that you least expect become strangers.

Listen, Don't Judge

"Is what I'm feeling normal?" is a question I get asked a lot, and the answer is "Yes." The physical and emotional symptoms of grief can be frightening and overwhelming. They can be so heightened that people are convinced that they have a serious cognitive or medical issue.

I've found that normalizing the responses people have, and giving reassurance that grief can manifest itself in many ways, can help to alleviate this additional concern that is weighing heavily on top of people's grief.

"To share something that is very personal with another individual and it is not received and understood is a very deflating and lonely experience. I know that when I try to share some feeling aspect of myself, which is private, precious and tentative, and this communication is met by evaluation (judgment), reassurance and distortion of my meaning, my very strong reaction is 'Oh, what's the use!' At such a time, one knows what it is to be alone."

A Way of Being, Carl Rogers (1980)

This is a quote often used in bereavement support training, as it helps people to understand the importance of respect, empathy and validation when supporting someone.

You don't have to have the answers, you don't have to "fix" anything, that person may not want your opinion. "Toxic positivity" is also unhelpful. It's much better to regularly check in, take time to be present and empathically listen without judgment.

7 Tips for Truly Supporting the Bereaved

I've learned something in every single encounter during my years as a counselor supporting grieving people through their bereavement. Here's a brief summary of the things I've found most helpful during that time. Hopefully, they'll help you too when the time comes:

• Respect, empathy and genuineness are the core conditions of helping (Carl Rogers).
• It's better to say something than nothing.
• "How are you?"... ask twice, so that people know you are being genuine. Continue to ask. There is no time limit on this.
• If you think the individual is feeling overwhelmed or bombarded with questions like, "How are you feeling?" consider sending a note or a card. Or see if there is any way that you can support them practically, e.g., with their workload.
• Each bereavement is unique and so each person's grieving is unique.
• Grieving is not an entirely private process; it has social and relational aspects which need the engagement of others.
• There's no one size fits all for support. Some people will research and read books, support groups can be a comfort for some, and others may prefer individual counseling.

FURTHER READING

Mind Tools Chief Executive John Yates lost his daughter, 18, while she was on her gap year holiday in Asia. You can read this moving account of his daughter, the grief and the aftermath by downloading the story below.

You may also find the following articles helpful for reflecting on grief. You'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full:

Working Through Grief

Coping With Grief and Loss in A Virtual Team

How to Manage a Grieving Team Member

About the Author:

Kate Peters is a Mental Health and Wellbeing Consultant, Mental Health First Aid Trainer and Inclusion and Accessibility Lead at PeopleUnboxed.

The post Grief: Finding a Way Through appeared first on Mind Tools.

"We will avoid something in proportion to how much it can affect our identity."

The Law of Avoidance

So says Mark Manson, best-selling author of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****." It's an anti-self-help self-help book that's sold millions of copies, earning Manson legions of adoring fans and a new movie on Netflix.

In the book, Manson tells you that you are not special, chasing a positive mindset is dangerous, and that we should embrace negative emotions and take responsibility for our actions and feelings. These ideas may go against the grain of current trends in self-improvement, but Manson has found a very receptive audience.

The book provides a powerful lesson in resilience, but what does it have to do with identity, exactly?

Manson's Law of Avoidance

Manson describes the above quote as his "Law of Avoidance." Essentially, the idea is that we'll avoid something equal to how it can affect our identity; we are so wedded to our sense of self that we won't step outside that comfort zone.

And it kind of rings true, doesn't it? When I'm faced with anything involving numbers (like dividing up a restaurant check), I freeze up. I work with words; I can't do numbers! I'm likely to say, "Numbers aren't my strong suit – someone else figure it out!" On the more extreme end, I'm unlikely to go skydiving. That's just not me. I don't do that kind of thing.

And Manson's law doesn't just apply to bad, scary or unpleasant things. "You will avoid negative things that threaten your identity like failure, loss, and rejection. But you will also avoid positive things that threaten your identity – even things like success, love, and happiness," says Manson.

I initially struggled to reconcile this idea. Why on earth would we avoid something we enjoy? But then it struck me that it applies to something I'm going through right now.

Avoiding Good Things

I love music. And recently I was invited to go to a festival. The problem was that of the large group of friends going, I only knew one person. The rest of them I'd never even met. So when I was proposed this idea, my instant reaction was, "No way!"

My internal monologue was yelling that I'm a shy introvert. Big groups feel intimidating. What if I don't fit in? What if I feel trapped and like I'm ruining other people's time? I'd much rather stay at home and not go through the hassle.

Fortunately, my inner Mark Manson kicked in and I agreed to go and secured a ticket.

Now, when I really think about it, I know I'm going to have a great time. I love seeing live music, I like meeting people (even if it can be tiring), and I'm excited. And Manson would also remind me that I'm not special – no one else will really care much about me!

How I conceive of my identity (introvert, don't like going out of my comfort zone) can stop me from doing things I enjoy. Manson says, "The more something scares you, the more you should just do it." Instead of being boxed in by your identity, take a step out of your comfort zone and dive in. Let's hope he's right. I'm going this week.

Resilience and Identity

The more I think about it, the more resilience and identity seem to live hand in hand.

Consider the idea of "impostor syndrome," which has struck a chord in recent years. That sense that you've overreached, that you don't deserve to be where you are, and the fear that you'll be "found out." Ironically, this often afflicts the most objectively competent people: it has nothing to do with real ability, just how we see ourselves.

Similarly, fear of failure and fear of success also plague workers worldwide. You might be so afraid of "failing" that you don't ever take a risk or try something new. Or you might be anxious about the increased responsibility of success and feel like you'll never be able to live up to expectations.

When something threatens our identity we avoid it. And so when we're forced into that situation we don't know how to respond. With his law of avoidance, Manson implores us to embrace discomfort, stop chasing external validation, and chose a path based on our own values and wishes, one full of risk and uncertainty.

The Resilient Mindset

Many other thinkers have already highlighted and studied the connection between resilience and identity.

Psychologist Susan Kobasa believes that there are three elements to resilience, all of which have to do with how resilient people see themselves. The elements are challenge, commitment and personal control.

Resilient people see setbacks as challenges, not failures; they are committed to clear goals in work and life; and they don't dwell on what's outside their control – they focus on the things they can affect, rather than dwelling on what they can't (more on this below). All of which Manson draws on in his book.

Another psychologist who believes resilience is based on the stories we tell ourselves is Martin Seligman. He refers to our "explanatory style" in regard to how we respond to setbacks. Do you blame yourself and get consumed with negativity when things go wrong? If so, then this all has to do with how you're explaining the situation to yourself.

In his book "Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life," Seligman uses the ABC technique to help reframe the situation. It stands for Adversity, Beliefs and Consequences. When you're struck with adversity, you form beliefs, which have consequences.

So, maybe you're 20 minutes late to a meeting you organized: you think to yourself "I'm a terrible employee/boss," so your confidence dives, and your week is ruined as you mull on your failure. Seligman invites us to dispute the beliefs we form – are you really a terrible boss or were you unlucky? Did you just make a simple mistake? It doesn't have to be existential.

Are You in Control?

Manson tells us that life will always suck sometimes; the key is to accept it. Part of the remedy to the law of avoidance is taking responsibility for how we respond to negative things, embracing the associated negative emotions, and doing what we can within our own sphere of influence. The more we take responsibility, the better the outcome.

Psychologist (yes, another one!) Julian B. Rotter described this as our "locus of control." In the 1950s, he wrote that we all sit somewhere on a sliding scale – those of us with an internal locus of control and those with an external locus of control. Do you believe that you're responsible for what happens in your life, or think that your life is more governed by external forces outside of your control?

Rotter claimed that those with a more internal locus of control generally have higher resilience, more job satisfaction, better response to feedback, and even better physical health. On the flip side, if you believe you don't have agency in your life, you're more likely to blame others, give up, and not take credit for what you do achieve.

Manson is big on responsibility. We may not have total control over what happens to us, but we do have complete control of how we respond to setbacks. Instead of chasing happiness all the time (and then getting mad and blaming others when things go wrong), the better path is to take responsibility for how we respond to adversity.

(You can take our Locus of Control Quiz to see where you sit on the scale.)

A Flexible Identity

In a recent newsletter, Manson wrote: "The healthiest identity is a flexible identity. The best answer to the question, 'Who am I?' is always 'I don’t know; let’s find out.'"

It might be scary to answer "I don't know." But I think it's also beautiful. It's inviting us to not box ourselves in, to stay curious, and to challenge our assumptions.

By avoiding discomfort, and negative or scary things, Manson says we're avoiding those parts of ourselves we need to challenge. By adopting a "let's find out!" attitude, we create opportunities for growth and to better understand ourselves and improve our resilience – and live a richer, more fulfilling life.

Useful Resources

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****
Mark Manson's YouTube channel
Mark Manson's Twitter

The following is a curated list of Mind Tools relevant resources (please keep in mind you may need to be a member of the Mind Tools Club to access certain resources):

Developing Resilience
Understanding Your Locus of Control
Overwhelmed at Work
Career Setbacks
Dweck's Fixed and Growth Mindsets
Managing Post-Traumatic Growth
Resiliency (audio interview with Dr Cal Crow)
How to Build Personal Resilience (audio interview with Dr John Nicholson)
The Road to Resilience (infographic)

About the Author:

Matthew has 10 years of experience writing, editing and commissioning online content. As a content editor, he's worked in several industries – including charity, culture and travel – before finding his calling in L&D at Mind Tools, where he creates accessible, timely and engaging content for learners.

The post "Who am I? I don't know: let's find out!" – Mark Manson's Law of Avoidance appeared first on Mind Tools.

Food is one of our most basic needs – along with water, sleep, shelter, and oxygen: the things upon which our very survival depends. These requirements form the first, basic level of Abraham Maslow's famous "Hierarchy of Needs."

According to Maslow, our physiological and psychological needs motivate our behavior and choices. Those needs progress from basic needs to more complex ones until we achieve "self-actualization" or "all that we can be."

"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself"

Abraham Maslow, U.S. psychologist, (1908–1970)

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is often illustrated as a pyramid, with Level 1 at the base, up to Level 5, as follows:

Level 5: self-actualization – the need to experience purpose and meaning, creativity, acceptance, and fulfilling your potential.

Level 4: self-esteem – the need for respect, self-esteem, recognition, achievement, and confidence.

Level 3: love, belonging – the need to feel wanted and that you belong. 

Level 2: safety, security – the need to be safe and secure, and to have shelter.

Level 1: physiology, body – the basic need for oxygen, water, food, rest, warmth, and shade.

But back to me working on an empty stomach... Here’s how it usually transpired. When the belly signals got loud enough and persistent enough, my brain would wander from, for example, creating a course module to a craving for bananas. I don’t even like bananas! But for some reason, they leaped to mind when I was hungry.

I’d gently coax my mind back to my course module and all would go well for a while, but then I’d imagine eating peanut butter. I don’t like peanut butter either, yet my mind was telling me what my body needed because my poor body dialed my number but got a busy signal all the time. 

Then it was a case of rinse and repeat until donut thoughts or fast food came to mind and the gentle coaxing no longer worked. I had to strong-arm myself back to concentrating on my work.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and Physiological Survival

What I noticed in such situations was that the longer I ignored my body’s signals, the more calorie-dense the food in my intrusive thoughts became. My theory is that my body was sending me more urgent signals, trying its best to entice me with calorie-rich food in order to fulfill a biological need. 

The interesting thing is that since those years, I’ve taught myself to do water fasts. (Don’t try it without talking to your doctor.) On day three of a five-day water fast, my hunger is severe, but I can work and concentrate. 

So, what’s the difference between the situations? When I was younger, I felt I had to diet to lose weight to be acceptable. Although it was a choice, it felt like a "forced choice." 

I’ve since got my weight under control and my choice to fast is a healthy one made with free will. When I fast, I know I can stop whenever I want to, because I have food in my fridge. I choose to continue fasting.  

However, if you can’t fulfill a physiological survival need today, and you have no idea how you’re going to fulfill it tomorrow or the day after, I imagine that would take up an immense amount of your mental capacity. 

In the case of hunger, the bottom of the pyramid, your needs are unmet.

Meeting the Need for Rest

All of us have probably experienced a lack of rest. At some point, you can't think of anything other than how tired you are. You can’t concentrate, you don’t want to talk, you don’t want to eat, and you can’t plan for the next five minutes let alone the next five weeks!  

I live in a country where many people experience constant fatigue as a result of their living conditions. They live in noisy areas, the shelter their houses provide is often inadequate, it's unsafe, and they have to travel far to get to work.  

The result is that they’re often unenthusiastic at work, disengaged during training sessions, and uninvolved. Who can blame them, though? Their level-one need is consistently unmet, and they simply have no energy to be upbeat. That doesn’t mean that they lack the desire to progress, but there are more pressing needs.

Migrating Between Levels in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Working with people in any capacity (as peers or team members) always confronts us with this question: are their basic needs (levels one and two) being met? If not, what can we do to support them, and how much can we realistically expect from them? Even when people's needs are met, how can we support them and what can we expect of them?  

This might not be the same from day to day, as confusing as that sounds. It doesn’t mean that I have to do a needs check with everybody every morning.

And I know that I sometimes migrate between need levels depending on what’s happening in my life. An argument with a loved one before you leave for work might impact your level three need. You shouldn‘t assume that you won't be able to operate at level four or even five, but it could have an impact.

That shows us that Maslow’s hierarchy isn't just useful to help us to understand others' behavior, it can also help us evaluate ourselves and better understand our own choices and actions. 

There are cases of people whose level one or two needs are consistently unfulfilled, yet they strive to fulfill their level four and five needs. However, because you’ve met one or two people like that, it doesn’t mean that everybody is like that. They are few and it takes an unusually strong desire, will and an almost superhuman ability to function despite the reality of their lived experience. 

I’m in the fortunate position that I often feel purposeful, and that my life, work and existence have meaning. I feel I am making a difference, even if It's a small one. And it is because my basic needs are being met, as a result of having reconnected with long-lost family, made friends where we live, and through my colleagues at Mind Tools. All the pieces of the puzzle fit snugly together, for now.

For more information on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, see the following articles. You will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full:

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs 

Self-Mastery 

About the Author

Yolandé uses her 20+ years of experience as a therapist, coach, facilitator, and business school lecturer to help people develop their careers and live up to their potential. She thrives on facilitating conversations designed to build bridges between people by using creative questioning and thinking techniques.

You might mistake her for a city girl, but Yolandé is an honorary game ranger, loves birding, archaeology, and spending time in the African bush. Morning runs with her rottweiler and reading are her favorite activities. She loves the kitchen and it gives her joy to "bake" people happy. 

The post Taking Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Into Consideration at Work  appeared first on Mind Tools.

That's it, what to say about... Oh wait up, what's this? An email alert from the boss. Can't ignore that. And my phone just pinged me. And before you know it, an hour's gone by and this blog is going nowhere.

It's a problem we've likely all faced. It's difficult to give your attention to just one thing over the course of a working day. When did you last manage it? So many other nudges, notifications and essential updates jostle for your attention.

And that's just the work stuff. Add all the funny noises my phone makes, and a bad day can be a constant battle to concentrate on anything.

A Crisis of Focus

This is a relatively recent phenomenon. But it's getting worse. How much worse? Well, as Johann Hari is keen to explain in his book "Stolen Focus: Why You Can't Pay Attention," the forces determined to attract and keep our attention are everywhere, and they're enormously powerful.

And we aren't doing enough to help ourselves. Sound like something from the "Matrix" movie franchise? It's not. "Stolen Focus" isn't a bunch of conspiracy theories. It’s based on many interviews with leading experts in everything from Big Tech to sleep deprivation.

And the picture they paint is a disturbing one.

The Battle for Attention

First, they really are out to get us. There are whole industries dedicated to grabbing our attention. They offer what we think of as rewards – bonus points, membership privileges, that sort of thing – and in return we give them our data.

Then they use that data to build complex profiles of us so that they can put adverts before us for things they know we want.

If that sounds sinister, consider what else behavioral scientists and data analysts can use that data for. They can predict not just what we might want to buy, but what we think about bigger issues. Even how we might vote. If they can predict something, they will likely try to influence it.

Sure, we can switch off our devices. We can lock them away. If we're lucky, we can escape to remote locations – as Hari does. But we're still susceptible. We're still experiencing something close to addiction.

How We Steal Our Own Focus

Second, we harm our own attention from the moment we get up. All too often we grab high-fat, high-sugar snacks rather than proper food. We expose ourselves to brain-damaging pollution daily.

When we do finally put aside the screens to go to bed, we can't sleep properly. So our brains are exhausted, and our ability to focus takes another knock.

Many of us also live in cultures that value the quick fix. So doctors prescribe vast quantities of drugs to treat ADHD, depression and sleeplessness, while leaving the root causes untouched.

In some cases, these causes are to do with innate psychological problems and brain chemistry. But for many people, maybe most, it's the environment in which they live that's the problem.

The Will to Change – and Why We Often Can't

There's another insidious factor at work, and again it's cultural. Hari calls it "cruel optimism." We all want to believe that we can change. That belief should be empowering.

But it's double-edged. If we fail to give up junk food, Twitter, or playing video games until 3 a.m., it's on us. Our willpower's the problem. Never mind that billions of dollars are spent every year trying to overcome that willpower.

Reclaiming Our Attention

It's a grim picture. So are there any positives? Well, we can take steps to change the way we behave as individuals, cruel optimism or not. Hari outlines them. And we can learn lessons from some societies that have taken steps to address this constant erosion of attention.

But Hari's main targets throughout are larger scale. They're industrial complexes and dysfunctional societies. And they will only change how they behave through collective action. Whether it's because customers or activists demand it, or governments enforce it, it'll still be a long-term battle.

"Stolen Focus" is a wake-up call. It deserves our attention – if we can spare it. Because the consequences of whole societies being in a state of distraction are dire. They certainly go beyond whether this blog gets finished or not.

So I'll definitely be turning off the laptop earlier, and spending more time with a good book. As soon as I've checked Twitter, obviously.

Listen to Our "Stolen Focus" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio recordings.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Club member or corporate user, listen to the "Stolen Focus" Book Insight now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

About the Author

Simon has been researching, writing and editing non-fiction for over 30 years. In that time he's worked on educational courses, scientific journals, and mass-market trade books about everything from popular psychology to buying houses in Bulgaria. In the last 20 years he's specialized in simplifying complex subjects, and helping readers to learn new skills. Away from work he listens to good music, watches bad football, and is fascinated by medieval history.

The post Time to Focus on Our Dangerous Lack of Focus appeared first on Mind Tools.

Unfortunately, there are many irritating people out there – from the story one-uppers and interrupters to the lazy good-for-nothings, know-it-alls, and lip-smackers. In fact, you may even work with a few of them.

What Is a Difficult Person – and Could It Be You?

Difficult behavior will look and impact everyone differently. Psychology professor and personality researcher, Joshua D Miller, Ph.D. identified seven traits of "disagreeableness" – callousness, grandiosity, aggressiveness, suspicion, manipulativeness, dominance, and risk-taking.

According to Miller, these seven traits help us to understand how antagonistic behavior can present in different people and strongly overlap with the three dark personality traits, otherwise known as the Dark Triad.

Miller even went on to use these traits to create a quiz for people to quantify their difficult personality as a percentage. I don't think I need to divulge what percentage I got, but let's just say it wasn't zero…

So, it turns out that everyone's at least a little bit difficult. But, according to Miller, as long as we are open and willing to change, our antagonism doesn't have to define us. So perhaps we shouldn't be too judgmental of other people's annoying qualities.

Three Tips for Working With Difficult People

Fine, we've admitted that we may not be the easiest to get along with. But that doesn't change the fact that we still have to work with difficult people. And while spending every day with them may feel like a never-ending nightmare, it's a reality that we all have to face.

So, if you want to keep your career and reputation intact, you'll need to learn to keep a cool head and deal with these situations respectfully and professionally.

Author of "Getting Along: How to Work With Anyone (Even Difficult People)," Amy Gallo, says that by modeling the behavior you want to see, you can "nudge" people into having more productive interactions. (You can hear from more experts about how to work with difficult people in our latest podcast episode.)

And while you may not be able to completely change other people's behavior, you can change how you react to it by following these simple rules:

1. Choose Your Battles

Consider if a person's difficult behavior is worth confronting. Does it get in the way of you doing your job? Have others complained? For example, a colleague chewing their lunch with their mouth open may be annoying, but it probably doesn't affect your work and may not warrant a discussion.

2. Take a Breather

Antagonistic actions can be tough to ignore and it's easy to allow them to cloud your judgment. Before you address the issue, take a moment to gather yourself. Deep breathing and slowly counting to 10 can help to lower your heart rate, restore calm, and look at the situation objectively.

3. Pick Your Words Carefully

If you do choose to approach the person about their behavior, be sure to do it privately. Be honest about how they have made you feel and assert your boundaries but always remain calm and polite. They may not even be aware of what they've been doing so be patient and allow them to explain themselves.

Getting along with your co-workers is an essential part of working life. But when antagonistic behavior threatens to disturb the peace, it's important not to let your emotions get the better of you. Gather yourself, be honest, and most importantly, treat others with kindness. After all, no one's perfect.

Have you ever worked with difficult people? To learn more about how to deal with difficult people, check out our supporting article.

About the Author

With a background in writing and illustration, Rosie uses her creative eye to produce eye-catching content. Specializing in videos, newsletters and articles, Rosie produces, writes, edits, and proofreads a wide range of resources. When she's not busy working, she'll likely be found whipping up cakes for her friends and family!

The post Am I a Difficult Person – or Is It Everyone Else? appeared first on Mind Tools.

The accident was a disruption that led to a major life transition. Bruce Feiler, best-selling author of "Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age," says that, on average, everyone goes through a life transition every 12 to 18 months.

Common life transitions include:

• being laid off or fired.
• having a serious accident.
• experiencing a health crisis. 
• working for a company that is being acquired. 
• getting a new job. 
• being promoted. 
• changing careers.
• moving to a different city. 
• getting married. 
• having a baby.
• going through a relationship breakup or divorce. 
• returning to school.
• losing a loved one.
• retiring.

Any of those sound familiar?

Experiencing a “Lifequake”

We get through most life transitions relatively quickly, but one in ten become what Feiler calls a "lifequake." He defines a lifequake as a massive change with stressful aftershocks that can last several years if we don't learn to master them.

After interviewing hundreds of people about their life transitions, Feiler found that, on average, we go through three to five lifequakes in our lifetime.

These life-changing events frequently involve a difficult loss, such as losing a source of income, access to childcare, or a loved one, to name a few. And in the aftermath of the pandemic, the entire world is going through a collective lifequake.

3 Ways to Master Life Transitions

Learning to deal with these disruptive life events is more critical than ever. If you are going through a life transition, here are three ways to help you navigate it.

1. Accepting that the "Linear Life" Is Over

Feiler's findings show that the idea of a neat, linear life path no longer holds true. A linear life is based on misguided expectations.

For example, we expect our careers will progress from a junior job to a mid-level job to a senior-level position to retirement. Some other misconceptions include believing that we will have one relationship, one home, and one source of happiness throughout our lives, from adolescence to old age.

Instead, we lead non-linear lives, which means we go through many life transitions, full of twists and turns and ups and downs. Transitions may seem like abnormal interruptions, but they are a regular and predictable part of life.  

Anticipating change helps us accept the end of predictability and prepares us to deal with whatever changes life brings. Being mentally prepared for change eliminates the element of surprise and allows us to move with greater ease from resistance to acceptance.

How Can You Prepare Yourself for a Non-Linear Life?

Let's take a current example. 

One of the latest work trends has been dubbed "career cushioning" (also known as "recession proofing"). The term describes the act of employees exploring other job options while still in their current role.

Whether or not you're concerned about a layoff, it pays to prepare for this potential disruption to your career. Some actions you could take now include: 

• refreshing your résumé. 
• updating your skills.
• nurturing your network.

2. Becoming Adept at Navigating the Three Phases of Life Transitions 

A big takeaway from Feiler's research is that all significant life transitions have a distinct structure. And it isn't always obvious to someone just entering a transition. 

According to Feiler, major life transitions have three phases:

1. The Long Goodbye: the period it takes to fully accept the change and say goodbye to the old you.  
2. The Messy Middle: the period when you start to evaluate new options. That’s when you replace old habits that no longer serve you with new ones that help you to move forward. 
3. The New Beginning: the period when you embark on a new path in your life. 

Being stuck in "the long goodbye" or "the messy middle" phases prevents us from moving on to the next chapter in our lives.

How Do You Leave the Past Behind?

Here's a quick example. A coaching client of mine – I'll call him Fred – was laid off from his job as a marketing manager. By the time Fred came to see me, he had already spent six months stuck in the long goodbye phase. He wasted a lot of time mourning his old life and what he had lost.

I asked him to note his weekly actions that are still connected to his old job. The list turned out to be an eye-opener for him. 

His activities included:  

• checking the social media accounts of the company that laid him off. 
• scouring the LinkedIn accounts of his ex-peers to see who else was laid off. 
• emailing his ex-direct reports under several pretexts. 
• regularly checking the company website to see if there were new hires on the marketing team.  
• asking several ex-colleagues to go to lunch with him and using the event as an opportunity to vent.

We agreed that he had to stop doing anything related to his former employment, no matter how small. All activities connected with his old job set him back emotionally, reinforced his resentment, and distracted him from moving on. He finally cut the corporate umbilical cord and moved on to the next phase of his life transition.

3. Managing Your Emotions 

Feiler writes that fear, sadness and shame are the top three emotions we most likely feel during a transition.  

I have found over the years that shame is a strong emotion that few people want to discuss. Consequently, the feeling of shame can intensify, linger and prolong recovery from a difficult life transition. 

Consider the example of my coaching client, Melissa (not her real name.) Melissa found it difficult to cope with being fired from her job. After several coaching sessions, she admitted to feelings of shame. "I am ashamed," she said to me, barely holding back tears. "People will think that I didn't do a good job."  

I worked with her to uncover evidence that warranted her feelings of shame. Here are some of the questions we went through: 

• Are your feelings of shame justifiable?
• What scripts are you carrying in your head?
• What hard evidence do you have to validate the thought that "people will think I didn't do a good job?"
• What is the evidence against this thought?

In the end, there was no evidence to justify her feelings of shame because her concerns were objectively baseless. Given her high level of competence, she concluded that anyone who worked closely with her would know the caliber of her work.

This exploration was a turning point in helping her to process her feelings of shame and to move on.  

How Can You Overcome Feelings of Shame? 

To get over feelings of shame, it pays to consider these pointers:  

• Pay attention to the harm that feelings of shame may cause you. Research shows that low self-esteem and depression can arise from shame. For Melissa, staying stuck in a loop of unproductive thoughts about her dismissal exacerbated the situation and made her unhappy and lethargic. For example, she often canceled her exercise class and watched TV instead.
• Catch yourself when thoughts of shame start to creep in. Ask yourself: am I allowing my emotions to hijack my logical brain?
• Reframe your thoughts around the situation, so that they are either realistic or at least neutral. 
• Share your feelings with trusted others. Melissa found an accountability partner – a trusted friend – with whom she spoke once weekly. Together, they sought ways to quiet her ruminations and focus instead on the future. 

Taking Control of Life Transitions

Ultimately, we can manage our inevitable life transitions and not let them negatively influence us in the long term. We can interpret whatever we lost as devastating and allow anger, sadness, fear, and resentment to consume us. Or we can use the loss as an opportunity to gain insight and wisdom, to keep moving on, and to write the next chapter in our life.

That's what I did after my accident.

About the Author:

Bruna is an educator, author and speaker specializing in emotional intelligence, leadership, communication, and presentation-skills training.

The post How to Master Life Transitions  appeared first on Mind Tools.

The question is: just how important are workplace friendships? And how can remote workers make lasting friendships at work that lead to both emotional and professional support?

Why Are Work Friends Important?

According to Gallup, having best friends at work directly correlates with employee engagement and success. Having a best friend at work not only serves as a motivator for employees to look forward to going to work, but also has a direct impact on employee retention, productivity, and company culture.

Since the start of the pandemic, people with a best friend at work have reported that they feel less alone than those without one. Additionally, they're generally more satisfied with their workplace and therefore less likely to leave.

If you're still not convinced, here are my top three reasons why work friends are essential:

1. They're great stress busters.

Work can be incredibly stressful. If you're not careful, there's a great chance that you'll end up suffering from burnout. "People experiencing burnout symptoms are usually trying to live up to impossible standards and expectations from other people and themselves," according to Centres for Health and Healing. "Working excessive hours and not taking time to care for themselves properly – month after month – stress levels will build up. The relentless, ongoing pressure typically comes from various sources, including work, financial problems, underlying health issues, family and challenging relationships."

Having friends at work to whom you can vent or offer support is a good way to ground yourself and reduce stress. Work friends can lend their ear when things get tough and offer a different perspective when there's a dispute.

We've all been in a position where we're just starting a job and feeling extremely nervous about not being liked by colleagues, or about the nature of the job. A simple smile from a colleague can transform existential dread into excitement. When navigating a new role, having a friendly face in the office is unquestionably a godsend.

Moreover, having work friends creates a sense of camaraderie that makes teamwork enjoyable. Feeling seen and acknowledged by your colleagues can make a difference, especially if your role requires constant teamwork. A positive and nurturing environment leads to more innovation, creativity and communication, which are ultimately beneficial not only for the individual, but also for the organization as a whole.

2. Work buddies bring out the best in us.

When we're surrounded by colleagues we actually get along with, we're likely to be more productive and produce higher-quality work. This is because positive relationships create a sense of shared purpose and accountability that urges us to put our best foot forward.

Work friends can also serve as a sounding board when it comes to work in which you're not one hundred percent confident. They can help us when we most need it, teach us new things that can help to improve our work, and provide valuable feedback and ideas that can lead to collaborative innovation.

Finally, when we have a supportive group of people around us, we're more likely to enjoy what we do and therefore focus on the task. Instead of constantly looking at our watch, work friends can prod us to push harder and feel energized by our work.

3. Connections are everything.

As the adage goes, "It's who you know, not what you know." Making friends at work is crucial if you want to advance your career.

Building strong relationships with colleagues can be the final piece of the puzzle to get that well-deserved promotion, transfer to a better department, or even move to a better job thanks to a friend of a friend. Ultimately, connections are everything, especially in a professional environment.

Making Friendships in a Virtual Workspace

Work friends have the potential to open up a world of possibilities and perspectives. Virtual workplaces, in particular, offer the unique opportunity to make work friends based in different parts of the world – opening up our worldview and creating a work culture that's more inclusive, cosmopolitan and innovative, thanks to the wonderful cross-pollination of ideas.

However, while making friends as an adult is hard, making work friends in a virtual workplace is even harder!

If you're one of the thousands of people who've switched to the "digital nomad" lifestyle during the pandemic, here are some tips for developing rewarding friendships with your peers:

Be the first one to reach out.

First things first – don't be afraid to reach out to people in your work chat. A quick introduction has the potential to lead to a virtual work friendship, so never underestimate the power of saying "hello!"

Participate in virtual events and groups.

Some companies host virtual events and team-building sessions that encourage you to connect with your colleagues on a personal level. Others may simply offer channels where you can talk about your hobbies or share photos of your pets. Engaging with these events and groups is the perfect way to meet like-minded people and find your work bestie!

Opt for a video call.

Video calls are more personal than chats. Not everyone will be comfortable having their camera on, but video calling a willing colleague is a great way to start a friendly conversation and make yourself appear more approachable.

Ask for feedback.

Asking for feedback is a good way to build new relationships. It not only helps you gain different insights, but also shows your potential work friends that you trust their feedback and value their expertise.

Can You Ever Be Friends With Your Manager?

The relationship between a manager and their team members is a delicate one. Maybe you get along with your manager, but feel torn when it comes to actually fostering a friendship with them.

When dealing with this dilemma, it's important to remember that friendship is a two-way street. The relationship between a manager and an employee involves power dynamics that can make it more difficult. Managers can make or break their employee's career. This obvious power dynamic makes it difficult to be friends with your manager, as a personal argument can lead to a professional nosedive.

Power dynamics can be further complicated when team dynamics are involved. If you're friends with your manager, you may feel compelled to agree with certain decisions that you may not actually agree with. In addition, being your manager's bestie can harm your relationship with your colleagues, as they may feel that the manager favors you over them.

However, this doesn't mean that managers should be coldhearted. A good manager values each of their subordinates and encourages them to reach their full potential for the good of the team. Being an excellent communicator and a "people person" are essential managerial qualities, as managers have the responsibility to unlock the maximum capabilities of their team.

However, a good boss or manager should know that friendship with one of their subordinates can be a slippery slope, and they'll need to draw a line somewhere. Nevertheless, if the manager and the subordinate decide to become friends or have an existing friendship, they should communicate this with the rest of the team to ensure that everyone feels involved and valued. 

If you enjoyed this blog, you may also be interested in these Mind Tools resources:

Building Good Work Relationships
How Good Are Your People Skills?
Reconnecting After COVID
Finding Your Allies
How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age, With Peter Handal

About the Author:

Chris is a passionate mental health and wellbeing writer and psychologist, focusing on sharing his experience and improving the lives of others. When Chris isn't researching the latest holistic and wellbeing therapies, he's spending time with his two cats, usually while curled up on the sofa reading a book.

The post 3 Reasons Why Work Friends Are Important appeared first on Mind Tools.

The question took me by surprise. I'd never really discussed my salary before, and certainly not at work, surrounded by all my colleagues. But to be honest, I find it difficult to talk about money – period. So much so that I was once turned down for a sales position for "not talking about money enough" in the interview.

But the group was eagerly awaiting my answer. So I gave a vague, "Oh just a bit more than I was on before," and quickly changed the subject.

Are You Ready to Discuss Your Salary?

Money can be a touchy subject for anyone to discuss, let alone around colleagues. But why are we so scared to talk about it? We decided to poll our social media followers and ask, "Do you feel comfortable to talk about your salary with your co-workers?"

The answer was a resounding "No," with 76 percent of respondents on LinkedIn and Twitter saying that they don't feel comfortable discussing their wage.

These results weren't exactly surprising. Even though discussing your pay with co-workers is often protected (by the National Labor Relations Act in the U.S., for example, and the Equality Act in the U.K.), it's often considered a taboo subject to discuss around the watercooler.

Keeping Quiet

In fact, one of our followers didn't even see the need for discussion. Educator and Researcher Anna Coutsomitelli MEd said she saw no reason "... why you should talk about your salary with anyone at all!" Solutions Consulting Director David Lush agreed, adding: "Why would anyone ever do this? It's just a recipe for causing friction in the business."

Manager Justina Ikpe was also in favor of keeping your salary under wraps. "It has more setbacks than benefits especially if the colleagues commenced work on the same day and at the same level." She added that it "... could motivate a right-thinking team member to be results-oriented in order to earn more. Conversely, it can lead to unproductive/low-quality output as a result of resentment, unnecessary envy/jealousy which in turn can hamper the growth of the company."

But Founder, Coach and Community Creator Erikka Baker disagreed. "I would argue the same about not having transparency. Assumptions or lack of insight can also cause friction," Erikka said.

Mind the Pay Gap

Discussing salary is certainly a complicated and layered subject. For example, if you found out that another person in the same role was earning more than you, you might feel upset or undervalued. You're doing the same job, so why shouldn't you get the same wage? It just doesn't seem fair, right?

However, there may be several reasons why their salary is higher than yours. For example, they might have spent longer at the company, have more training, or even have had a cost-of-living adjustment based on their location.

On the other hand, not knowing or assuming the reasons for these differences can also create an uncomfortable working environment, and could land organizations in hot water, especially if employees suspect discriminatory factors are at play.

Leadership Coach and Learning Facilitator Holly Wright argued that being transparent with pay "... helps with overcoming pay inequality and can reduce the gender pay gap."

In order to create a fair and harmonious working environment, organizations need to make sure that any inconsistencies in pay are based on non-discriminatory reasons.

How to Overcome Salary Secrecy

The Director and Co-Founder of Elev-8 Performance, Rob Clarke, believes that transparency and culture is key. Rob said: "In our business we know exactly what each other earns. We built it that way."

Marketing Manager Alisa Hamzic suggested that this isn't a problem everywhere, just in certain countries: "This is a cultural thing. In Scandinavia it is totally transparent and normal to talk about [salary]."

So, could there be a time when more of us are open to sharing our salaries? Maybe. So, if you decide to open up about your wage, just consider the situation you're in, and approach the subject with sensitivity.

Talking About Pay and Promotion – Our Brand-New Podcast!

We've just launched The Mind Tools Expert Voices Podcast, and the first episode explores conversations about pay.

In "Can I Ask for More Pay?" hosts Rachel Salaman and Jonathan Hancock delve into the Mind Tools interview archive to get expert advice on when to hold pay conversations, and how to handle them – whether you're the team member or the manager.

Hear from world-leading researchers, writers and thought leaders, including Emma Seppala, Corey Kupfer and Dorie Clark. And find out how you can share your own experiences and ideas in future episodes.

Make sure you know how to get fairly rewarded for the work you do – and feel more confident to talk about pay, whatever your role.

Our podcast is available free from all main providers, or direct from the Mind Tools Expert Voices Podcast page.

Do you feel comfortable talking about your salary? Let us know in the comments, below.

The post Talking About Your Salary – Your Top Tips! appeared first on Mind Tools.

A few months ago, I caught up with a couple of my colleagues about their experience of maternity leave and what happens when it ends...

Surprise! It's a... Confidence Crisis!

B2C Director, Mel Dowding, went on maternity leave at the end of May 2020 and her son was born around two weeks later. She said, "I was surprised by how difficult it was to return to work. I'm sure many people underestimate how hard it will be. It's such a huge context switch, and I feel it affected my confidence for quite some time. I tried to approach it like starting a new job, but there are greater expectations on you because you're not actually new in the job. You have a huge gap in your corporate memory and I'm not sure it's ever possible to fully catch up.

"I spent quite a long time feeling a bit out of date and unsure of myself. Catching up after so much time away focusing on something so completely different is tricky. Lots of new people had started so I had quite a few new faces to get to know as well as new ways of working. Teams had gotten used to remote working during the time I was away from the business, and I was behind not only in terms of using the technology but also in the way people’s working patterns and behaviors had evolved. It was fascinating in a way to see how the world of work had changed, but also challenging to catch up."

It Isn't "Baby Brain"

Senior Editor, Lucy Bishop, also experienced a loss of confidence. She said, "It definitely took me a while to feel that belonging again. I would say a good two or three months before I felt secure and confident again.

"Not being in work for a year hadn’t dulled my brain or intelligence in any way (I know some people talk about "baby brain")… but it still took me a while to get used to the new software, new team members and new setup... a lot had changed.

"I definitely went through a bit of a confidence crisis. At times I felt like the new starter again, which I think is probably what shook my confidence. But also getting used to not seeing my baby every day… your mind is definitely split between two worlds, and that can be quite hard to navigate when you first get back to work."

Helping Mothers Return to Work

So what can managers and leaders do to help ease that transition back into work for mothers? Here are some strategies that Mel and Lucy found useful:

Prepare for Their Maternity Leave

As Mel told me, "you can never start too early on the planning front!" By planning ahead for someone's return after maternity leave, you can ensure a smoother transition down the line. Not only for your team members but for the business as well.

Preparation beforehand is essential, too. Lucy recalls the weeks leading up to her maternity leave positively: "My team was really prepared, which was great. They'd already employed someone to cover my maternity leave, and I set up process documents to help with the handover."

Offer a Gradual Return

Both Mel and Lucy took advantage of Emerald's "Returnity" policy. It's a "mutually agreed phased return," which allows parents to make a more gradual return to work. As part of this staggered approach, they stayed in touch with their teams in the days leading up to their return, and Lucy even visited the office prior to her full return. "This was particularly helpful," she said, "to help me get to know new starters who I'd never met before, and to get a feel for the work that was currently being undertaken by the team."

Mel caught up with her manager and co-workers over a lunch. "I also had (another!) lunch with one of the people who covered my maternity leave, which was a good handover before she moved on."

Continue to Support Mothers After Their Return

Ease a returnee's transition back into work by setting up a series of useful meetings after their return. These will allow them to catch up with their teammates and meet any new ones.

Offer regular check-ins. Organize regular one-on-ones for them with their manager or someone from HR. These sessions aren't to monitor their progress, but should allow them to build a support network so they feel comfortable asking for help, and being open and honest about any challenges they are facing.

Be flexible. New parents can feel guilty when they have to leave their baby for the first time. This can be especially difficult in the first few weeks after their return. Consider offering them flexible working or a phased return, so that they can create a work-life balance that suits their needs.

Provide resources and ERGs. Signpost support for them and their teams, to spread awareness about the challenges that people returning from maternity leave often face. Set up employee resource groups (ERGs) for new parents who are juggling their return to work with their new responsibilities as a parent. This will help them to know that they're not alone.

Benefits to the Business

Admittedly, some businesses – particularly smaller ones – may see maternity leave as a burden to production and costs. But, in the long run, investing in maternity cover can often benefit your teams and the wider organization.

Content Manager, Charlie Swift, reflected on a time in a previous job when several of his team members had maternity leave over the course of a few years. He said, "Instead of it being a continual drain on production, we gained in the long run. Each time I recruited someone to cover a temporarily vacant role, they ended up maintaining some kind of connection with us after the team member returned to work.

"One joined our additional pool of freelancers, another became the job share partner of a mother who returned part-time, and yet another became the permanent replacement for a leaver.

"In all cases, we'd invested in training, they'd fully engaged in the work, and everyone benefited from the resulting extended network of knowledge and experience that we'd managed to retain. It was a model of flexibility and collaboration. Oh, and every new parent returned with a new zeal for time management – a lesson to us all!"

In our next blog in the series, we'll be looking at paternity leave and shared parental leave – the positives and negatives – and how it can be used to support working parents.

Have you found it hard to return to work after parental leave? What do you think organizations can do to make the transition easier? Let us know in the comments section, below!

© Original artwork from Anna Montgomery.

The post Why Is Returning From Maternity Leave So Hard? appeared first on Mind Tools.