People of all cultures grieve; we all feel sorrow, loss and despair. We just show it in different ways. When it comes to grieving, for some cultures the focus is often placed on the individual. This can make it an extremely isolating and lonely experience.

However, in other cultures collective grief is common. Families, friends and communities lean in to support each other and grieve together. Here, death is not to be feared and is not a taboo topic.

Our understanding of the nature of grief and bereavement has undergone a transformational change. Previously received wisdom regarded grief as linear. It defined bereavement as working through emotions, with the goal being to move on and live without the person who died.

A Pathway Through Grief

Today the focus is on understanding the benefits to bereaved people of integrating the memory of their loved one into their lives.

There is more recognition that death ends a life, not necessarily a relationship, and that this process can be healthy and is not a denial of the death.

More recent theories also consider the cognitive, social, cultural, and spiritual dimensions of grief and loss. As a society, it's important to recognize that it's valuable for bereaved people to talk and to think about the person who has died. Better than encouraging them to "get over" their bereavement.

Experts no longer talk about "moving on," but instead see grief as a way of adapting to loss while forming a continuing bond with the lost loved one.

Growing Around Grief

Tonkin's (1996) theory of "growing around grief" suggests grief remains the same size, but the person's life grows around it. As a bereavement counselor, this model has proved very helpful with people I've supported. Mainly due to the removal of the expectation that there needs to be "closure." A lot of people are, understandably, fearful of this.

It's important to note that although clinical research has expanded our understanding of the distinctive symptoms, risk factors, and psychological processes (which have contributed to more appropriate support for bereaved people), there is no justifiable "one size fits all” model or approach to grief.

A feeling of loneliness is something that is reported by nearly all of the clients I have worked with. They may have family and friends around them, but they are alone with their thoughts and their grief.

People shy away from checking in, not knowing what to say. Or they offer support initially and then distance themselves, leaving people alone with their grief. It can be an additional loss, where the people that you least expect become strangers.

Listen, Don't Judge

"Is what I'm feeling normal?" is a question I get asked a lot, and the answer is "Yes." The physical and emotional symptoms of grief can be frightening and overwhelming. They can be so heightened that people are convinced that they have a serious cognitive or medical issue.

I've found that normalizing the responses people have, and giving reassurance that grief can manifest itself in many ways, can help to alleviate this additional concern that is weighing heavily on top of people's grief.

"To share something that is very personal with another individual and it is not received and understood is a very deflating and lonely experience. I know that when I try to share some feeling aspect of myself, which is private, precious and tentative, and this communication is met by evaluation (judgment), reassurance and distortion of my meaning, my very strong reaction is 'Oh, what's the use!' At such a time, one knows what it is to be alone."

A Way of Being, Carl Rogers (1980)

This is a quote often used in bereavement support training, as it helps people to understand the importance of respect, empathy and validation when supporting someone.

You don't have to have the answers, you don't have to "fix" anything, that person may not want your opinion. "Toxic positivity" is also unhelpful. It's much better to regularly check in, take time to be present and empathically listen without judgment.

7 Tips for Truly Supporting the Bereaved

I've learned something in every single encounter during my years as a counselor supporting grieving people through their bereavement. Here's a brief summary of the things I've found most helpful during that time. Hopefully, they'll help you too when the time comes:

• Respect, empathy and genuineness are the core conditions of helping (Carl Rogers).
• It's better to say something than nothing.
• "How are you?"... ask twice, so that people know you are being genuine. Continue to ask. There is no time limit on this.
• If you think the individual is feeling overwhelmed or bombarded with questions like, "How are you feeling?" consider sending a note or a card. Or see if there is any way that you can support them practically, e.g., with their workload.
• Each bereavement is unique and so each person's grieving is unique.
• Grieving is not an entirely private process; it has social and relational aspects which need the engagement of others.
• There's no one size fits all for support. Some people will research and read books, support groups can be a comfort for some, and others may prefer individual counseling.

FURTHER READING

Mind Tools Chief Executive John Yates lost his daughter, 18, while she was on her gap year holiday in Asia. You can read this moving account of his daughter, the grief and the aftermath by downloading the story below.

You may also find the following articles helpful for reflecting on grief. You'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full:

Working Through Grief

Coping With Grief and Loss in A Virtual Team

How to Manage a Grieving Team Member

About the Author:

Kate Peters is a Mental Health and Wellbeing Consultant, Mental Health First Aid Trainer and Inclusion and Accessibility Lead at PeopleUnboxed.

The post Grief: Finding a Way Through appeared first on Mind Tools.

Endings can be contradictory: they signal the ending of one thing but can mark the beginning of another. They fill us with dread or excitement, or both. Sometimes, we feel relief and it's easy to let go of an era, a place or a job. At other times we want to dig in our heels and cling to something for just a little longer.

"Beginnings and endings are simply part of a journey that isn't stopped by either."

Craig D. Lounsbrough (U.S. author and counselor)

We knew months before my dad's passing that he was terminally ill and didn't have long to live. But, even though we had time to prepare for the inevitable, his death left an empty space and severed a bond.

An ending is never just one thing. Endings are about attachment and fulfilled or unfulfilled expectations. They take away one thing and allow us to see another. They're full of uncertainty, yet also bring opportunity. And they cause us to run the gamut of emotions: grief, sadness, relief, excitement, resignation – it depends on the type of ending.

Endings Can Lead to a New Way of Being

The ending of my dad's life forced me to accept a new way of being: a life without my dad on this earth. There would be no more "silent conversations" – no longer just the two of us sitting in the lounge, both lost in our thoughts and being content with that.

It was also the end of him getting lost three streets from home (he had no sense of direction!), and the end of our in-jokes about my mom and her compulsive need to make all of us eat three square meals a day at the dining table under her watchful eye!

We marked the end of Dad's life with a ceremony that celebrated his life and mourned his passing.

And, suddenly, there were voids everywhere, bits of empty space scattered all over the house. His bedside table was no longer home to his water carafe and Bible. His reading chair under the window sat empty. After we cleared out his closet, the door closed with a sad, hollow echo.

Vacant seconds and moments were strung throughout the day like beads on a string, slivers of time that would have been filled with bits of him, his routine, and his habits. "It's three o'clock," he'd say, "isn't it time for coffee?" And then three o'clock was just that: a number on the clock that came between two and four.

An Ending, and a Beginning

But voids don't like being voids, and always become occupied again. Or maybe we don't like voids, and fill them to experience comfort and familiarity: "I've been here, I've done this, I know how it works, it's 'normal' and safe."

But, despite the morsel of familiarity it provides, filling the voids of an ending reminds me of how my new school shoes felt at the start of the year: squeaky and comfortably uncomfortable. It took time for my shoes, my feet, my gait, and the road I walked home to become comfortable and familiar.

Dad's empty bedside table, lonely reading chair, and unfinished books didn't remain like that either. They now hold the things and habits and routines of my stepdad, who respectfully navigated the voids and now fills them in a way that is unique to him. An ending, and a beginning.

Rest and Reflect

Our switchover to a new Mind Tools website last month also marked the end of an era. One of the features of the old site that we weren't able to carry over was the members' forum.

It was the space where we had conversations about things that happened at work and in our lives. Sometimes, people needed coaching, or a shoulder to cry on, or simply a non-judgmental space to vent.

We're grateful for all the wonderful conversations we had with our members. At the same time, we feel a bit sad and lost without our beloved forum, but we're excited about the Coaching Hub, a fantastic new feature that will be added in the new year.

At the end of a year, we also look back. We might mourn what we leave behind but, hopefully, we allow ourselves time to rest and reflect so that we use our energy to only carry things that will serve us well into the new year.

Situations change, they end, and new things begin. Although we celebrate change, it's normal to feel sad about endings, to be ambivalent about change, and to experience that knot-in-the-stomach excitement about new beginnings.

Endings Are Sunsets... and Sunrises

An ending is never just one thing. Endings are mourning and celebration, vulnerability and courage.

They are morning and evening, winter and spring.

Sometimes they are happiness and sadness intertwined, uncertainty and opportunity woven together.

Endings are sunsets – and sunrises too.

Endings: What They Mean to You and How to Manage Them

During our latest #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed why we fear endings, why we need them, and what opportunities they present. Here are the questions we asked, and a selection of participants' responses:

Q1. What are some of the reasons why something might need to end?

@MarkC_Avgi Something may need to end because of health (physical or mental) reasons; the need to remove oneself from a bad situation; the return on investment of time or money is not positive; just the need for a change; or for any number of reasons.

@Dwyka_Consult Toxic things must end because they don't do the world any good. Beautiful things must end because they will lose their magic if they carry on forever.

Q2. In your experience, what do we fear about endings?

@_GT_Coaching Some people may fear endings if they don't have something else planned to replace what has ended.

@garyrgruber People seem to be afraid that they may be leaving without having a fulfilled life and have unfinished business left behind.

Q3. What can happen when we fail to end something in time?

@ThiamMeka2Gogue Forcing things in a way that wreaks havoc and distress holds us back. Being overly attached to an outcome makes us so obsessed with perfection and our own timing that we end up sabotaging what really matters, which is the end result.

@Dwyka_Consult Conflict that carries on after it should have ended becomes ugly and personal. There's a time to start and a time to stop.

Q4. What have you learned by ending something too early?

@ColfaxInsurance (Alyx) Ending something too early can make whatever that was feel incomplete or rushed. It can leave you with a sense that something is missing or you feel unsatisfied with the final product.

@MarkC_Avgi Ending something too early may result in not achieving a goal that was just "inches" away, had we just kept trying a little longer; giving up too soon.

Q5. How do you know it's the right time to bring things to an end?

@SoniaH_MT You know it's the right time to bring things to an end when: your software no longer updates with the manufacturer; you see little progress for too much effort; or you've given your all but others coast by with the minimum.

@ColfaxInsurance (Alyx) When you get feedback from your audience indicating that they're done with that thing. Sometimes a gut feeling can tell you it's time to end something. Something just doesn't work anymore and you have to find a replacement or do something else entirely.

Q6. How can you bring a positive perspective to endings, without resorting to "toxic positivity"?

@MikeB_MT Be specific, honest, and transparent. Celebrate small victories and outcomes with specificity. What did we learn? What will we do differently next time? Some of my favorite celebrations have been for projects that may not have hit the mark but still added value.

@Midgie_MT I maintain my positive perspective by acknowledging the positives from the journey that I have shared with the person or the job. Then focus on the new beginnings, the opportunities, and the potential that might open up.

Q7. Why are endings necessary (maybe more than we realize)?

@_GT_Coaching Some endings happen out of people's control but other endings such as admitting failure on something can lead to new possibilities.

@ZalaB_MT It's the cycle of life. Nothing lasts forever. Seasons change, and so do our life and/or career. We enter into different stages of life that bring new opportunities... letting go of what no longer serves us.

Q8. How have endings created new opportunities in your career and life?

@ThiamMeka2Gogue The end of my career as a civil servant has been the beginning of my beautiful and exciting entrepreneurship journey.

@Yolande_MT Moving to a new city, a new country, ending a relationship, losing a job... all of these create voids that make you actively seek new opportunities. When you wear your "opportunity glasses," guess what you see?

Q9. What do you do to acknowledge, mark or celebrate an ending?

@greatergoodgeek It depends on the ending. If it relates to finishing a job well done, I try to reflect on the work, to get a feeling of accomplishment and celebration. And maybe enjoy a delicious treat to celebrate too!

@garyrgruber Celebrate by having great food and drinks and telling stories. OK to dance and sing, too!

Q10. In the future, how will you support yourself when experiencing an ending?

@SarahH_MT I'll continue to process endings with my head and heart as this has served me well. If I am struggling to balance these I try not to end things until I feel content with both. Trust that I will know when the time is right.

@MarkC_Avgi I will support myself in the same manner as I did through so many endings throughout my career. As the famous line in the song goes, "I will survive!"

To read all the tweets, see the Wakelet collection of this chat.

Coming Up in Our Next #MTtalk on January 6

#MTtalk is taking a break over Christmas and New Year, but we'll be back on Friday, January 6.

Beginnings and endings influence your everyday activities and your longer-term goals. In our next Twitter chat, we'll be discussing the importance of balancing your goals with reality when setting your objectives for 2023. In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know how you approach planning your life.

Useful Resources for Exploring Endings

If you found the questions and responses interesting and would like to delve into Mind Tools resources that could help you to explore the subject of endings, we recommend the following reading list. (Please note that you may need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.)

Rebooting Your Career

Making the Most of a Career Break

Dealing With Guilt

How to Deal With Anxiety

A Happy Ending

Into the Deep End

Career Setbacks

Delivering Bad News

The Road to Resilience Infographic

Working Through Grief

Managing Post-Traumatic Growth

The post Endings: What They Mean to You and How to Manage Them – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

How often should I cry? How much should I rest? What's an acceptable amount of time to take off work (I'm self-employed)? Should I keep myself busy? Am I keeping myself too busy? Is it too soon to say goodbye to Mum's clothes?

Given my constant questioning, I was heartened to read in "Good Grief: Embracing Life at a Time of Death," that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Authors Catherine Mayer and her mother, Anne Mayer Bird, who lost their husbands within 41 days of each other, gave me permission to grieve on my own terms. And in my own time. Without looking to others for answers.

It seems obvious. It is obvious. But for me, it was reassuring to see it written down. We'll all journey through grief in a different way, and that's exactly as it should be.

So Grateful I Don't Grieve Alone

This isn't my first experience of losing a loved one. My father died some 14 years ago, which seems such a long time ago now. I was 30-something and single at the time, and his death shattered me.

My mother's death has, too, in different ways. We were closer, our relationship was more complex, and she was my last remaining parent. So it was a massive blow. But I'm better equipped now for such an emotional earthquake than I was when Dad died.

I'm older (I turned 50 two months after Mum died), I've already lost one parent so I have some experience under my belt. I'm also married to a supportive partner. He was by my side throughout Mum's final days and continues to prop me up when required.

I found this man later in life, marrying him when I was 48. I can't imagine life without him. So I can't imagine what Mayer and Mayer Bird went through, and continue to go through, after losing their husbands of multiple decades.

Learning to Grieve in a Lockdown

They were also bereaved just before the U.K. declared a national lockdown. They were unable to hug their nearest and dearest and only saw each other once a week, at a distance and wearing masks.

Yet this extraordinary backdrop has produced an extraordinary book, which I believe will bring comfort to anyone who's lost a loved one. More so if that loss occurred during these times of closed hospital wards, limited numbers at funerals and covered faces.

There's something powerful and healing about reading someone else's journey through grief. It helps us to feel less alone with our feelings and sometimes, it helps us to cry, which we may need to do.

I certainly felt less alone when I read some of the authors' relatable anecdotes

Love Is Sorting Out Your Admin

How they held it together through some tough times then burst into tears when the Wi-fi router broke down. How they felt moved by the kindness of strangers but hurt by the friends who disappeared, perhaps saying nothing because they didn't know what to say.

I cried too at various points, notably when I read about the importance of naming our final resting place. My Mum didn't leave us with much paperwork to do, or "sadmin" as Mayer calls it. But she did leave a simple Will, that stated where she wanted her ashes to be scattered.

Knowing her wishes and knowing that we will honor them in due course brings me some comfort. It also reminds me of the importance of putting my own affairs in order, even if I live for many years to come.

The Love Outweighs the Loss

This is one of the key messages of the book: we must talk about death and prepare for it, out of love for those we'll leave behind. Will I take this on board and revise my out-of-date Will? Or will I keep putting it off, as so many of us do?

There's another vital message in this book that moved me to tears: the idea that we grieve profoundly because we have loved deeply. And that, despite the pain of losing someone, it was worthwhile.

Reading this, I feel grateful that I found the courage to love. I feel inspired to dive into the rest of life, to take risks and to walk through my fears.

I thank the authors for their courage in sharing their truth and for their encouragement to embrace life fully.

Download the Full Review

Mind Tools reviews the best new business and self-development books, and the tested classics, in its monthly Book Insight for the Mind Tools Club. So, if you're a Club member or enterprise licensee, you can download or stream the full "Good Grief" Book Insight in text or audio format.

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to all 2,400+ resources, including approximately 400 Book Insights. For a corporate solution, take a look at our Mind Tools for Business site.

Coping With Grief

How have you coped with grief? What is the best advice you could give? Join the discussion, below.

The post There Is No Right or Wrong Way to Grieve appeared first on Mind Tools.

COVID-19 has stripped away our sense of normalcy and stability. Instead, we now live life on continually shifting ground, with no known destination. In these instances of ongoing change, it's only natural to feel disoriented, to worry about the future, and to mourn what once was. As a result, being present has never been more difficult, nor more important.

Staying Present in Lockdown

Despite all the difficulties caused by lockdown, including my husband being away for almost six months, I kept my head down, focused on work, and took it one day at a time.

Being present in a strange world? Aced it! Or so I thought. This week I was reminded of the difficulties of remaining present, when I came face-to-face with an imagined future without my beloved dog.

Dog of My Life

I spend every day with my loyal and beautiful adopted rottweiler, Kaiser. He sleeps on my bed at night, lays down next to my desk during the day, and pushes his head under my "mouse hand" when he wants attention.

On Thursday night, Kaiser was uncharacteristically restless. By Friday morning, I knew that something was off and rushed him to the vet. During that 100-kilometer drive, Kaiser took a turn for the worse, and the gravity of the situation began to hit me.

After several tests, X-rays, and an overnight stay in the hospital, I got the call to say that Kaiser needed immediate surgery to remove a possible obstruction in his stomach. That was when the dam broke.

I had managed to stay focused on picking up a happy and healthy Kaiser later that day. But now I was confronted with a possible future without my beloved companion.

While making dinner, I began sobbing, and thought, "What am I doing? I'm crying as if he's died." I regained control (sort of) and tried not to think about a tomorrow that might not have Kaiser in it. I reminded myself that he was in excellent care and that there was hope – only to burst into tears again, minutes later.

Focus on the "Now"

Flash forward to today, when I realized that I have to stop thinking about anything other than the present. Kaiser is alive now, and I have things to do now – and that's as far as I can think. I can't even think about what I'm going to cook tonight. Any thought of the future (even if it's only two hours away) brings anxiety.

Trying to force myself to be present doesn't work – it only makes me feel guilty for not getting it right. The only way I manage to "be present" (and not mourn events that have only happened in my head) is to concentrate on what I need to do from moment to moment – and no more.

Editor's Note: Since Yolande wrote this, her beloved dog Kaiser has sadly passed away. He will be sorely missed by his family and all those who got to hear about his and Yolande's adventures together.

Living in a Strange and Unstable World

Many of us had to (and still have to) cope with changed circumstances due to the pandemic. People lost their jobs and incomes, couldn't spend time with family and friends, weren't able to move around freely, and couldn't even get outside to exercise or grab a coffee.

Being Present in a Strange World

During our #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we discussed what it means to be present, and whether it's a way of denying or dealing with reality. Here are the questions we asked, and a selection of your responses:

Q1. What are you running away or hiding from in this strange world?

@JKatzaman I'm avoiding previously common human contact, taking precautions as if my world has become a mobile emergency room.

@TwinkleEduCons I guess I am avoiding attaching myself to any long term plans right now and trying to be open minded & flexible about my future - work & personal.

@ZalkaB I think a lot of times it can come down to uncertainty and fear of the unknown. These volatile times can trigger many fears or make people feel like they can't control things or have some stability in the near future. It can be tough & challenging at times.

Q2. What emotions are you suppressing/struggling with?

@bodytextpro So much! Anger, fear, but also flashes of bizarre joy. Oh and guilt and... desperation? And grief - nothing personal, fortunately, but there's just so much loss right now.

@Sizwemoyo I struggle with melancholy and feel unsafe outside sometimes but I'm too proud to ask for help.

Q3. How do you know when you're not present? How do you feel/think?

@JKatzaman You know you're not present when every message starts with, "Long time, no see."

@Sizwemoyo When things are falling apart, I'm dropping things, and I feel like my head is about to explode, then I know I'm not being present.

@Midgie_MT When I am not hearing or understanding what someone is saying. Feel numb and confused at times.

@ColeenWarden I am full of worry and can't make decisions.

Q4. Can we choose whether to "space out"? How?

@letusthink2 Absolutely! I would just change it to "take a time out." You choose to take that time when you are feeling low/sad/stressed/anxious or anything. Take time to understand the "why" and figure out "how" you can change how you feel.

@ColfaxInsurance Sometimes. If you're in a position you don't want to be in, you can sometimes force yourself to zone out, but I think a lot [of] times it happens on its own and you snap back into reality when something/someone brings you back.

@VardhanPande We can choose to "space out" but it might not go well in a work setting. It can be done by focusing on things that help you regain your focus on work.

Q5. Isn't all this "being present" stuff just a way of denying reality, yes or no? Why?

@BRAVOMedia1 Being present, in my opinion, is a state of mind.

@SizweMoyo I think it's a way of accepting reality. You're choosing to focus on what's happening right now and moving with reality rather than focusing your attention on some past or future event that's not real anymore, or yet.

@letusthink2 I don’t think "being present" denies you of your reality. It makes you more aware of your surroundings, your feelings and who you are. Being truly mindful/present is when you hold yourself accountable to your own actions and words.

Q6. How does being present in a strange world solve anything?

@JKatzaman The strange world will be a variation of what finally becomes the new world. Getting used to it now will keep you a step ahead of others in the transition.

@ColeenWarden Being present in a strange world will help you keep your thoughts organized and remind you what is important to put your energy towards.

Q7. What are your energy levels like when you're present and what does that mean for you?

@lsmurthy99 It's complete control of the situation with positive thoughts, enthusiasm and high energy when I am totally in the present.

@SizweMoyo I actually feel less tired and more alert when I take a moment to be present, this means I'm willing to do what I had planned rather than wallow on opportunities I've missed.

Q8. How does being present help to rationalize what's happening around us?

@MicheleDD_MT Presence removes the emotional chatter & clutter that distracts us. We focus in the facts - what's really happening.

@ColfaxInsurance It makes it easier for us to clearly see, think about and react to what's happening around us.

Q9. How do you stay present when listening to someone who is "spreading fear" or focusing on all the negatives?

@bodytextpro Breathe breathe breathe! And then count to 10, too. Not easy on social media.

@MarkC_Avgi Life is 20 percent what happens to you and 80 percent how you react to it. Choose to ignore those spreading fear or negativity. Be present in your own life, not theirs.

Q10. What can you do for yourself and others to lessen the exhaustion of living in a strange world?

@letusthink2 One of the biggest things that one can do is to not spread "fear." Listen to the facts, follow the guidelines, and keep your families safe the best way you deem fit.

@JKatzaman Don't seal yourself off from those you know and love. Maintaining connections helps you share the load in a journey to the unknown.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat.

Our Next #MTtalk

We all know that momentary high from ticking something off a To-Do List. But what should we be adding, or not adding, to our lists in the first place, and how can we avoid them overwhelming us? For our next #MTtalk, we're going to discuss the best way to manage a To-Do List – and find out what a "to-don't list" is!

In our poll this week, we'd like to hear your views on To-Do Lists. You can see the poll, and cast your vote, here.

Useful Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources relating to last Friday's chat.

Note: some of the resources below may only be available in full to members of the Mind Tools Club and corporate licensees.

Mindfulness in the Workplace

How Mindfulness Leads to Emotional Intelligence

How to Keep Calm in a Crisis

8 Ways to Improve Your Powers of Observation

Ben-Shahar's Happiness Model

Top 10 Personal Morale Boosters

What Are Your Values?

In Flow

The post Being Present in a Strange World – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.