"We will avoid something in proportion to how much it can affect our identity."

The Law of Avoidance

So says Mark Manson, best-selling author of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****." It's an anti-self-help self-help book that's sold millions of copies, earning Manson legions of adoring fans and a new movie on Netflix.

In the book, Manson tells you that you are not special, chasing a positive mindset is dangerous, and that we should embrace negative emotions and take responsibility for our actions and feelings. These ideas may go against the grain of current trends in self-improvement, but Manson has found a very receptive audience.

The book provides a powerful lesson in resilience, but what does it have to do with identity, exactly?

Manson's Law of Avoidance

Manson describes the above quote as his "Law of Avoidance." Essentially, the idea is that we'll avoid something equal to how it can affect our identity; we are so wedded to our sense of self that we won't step outside that comfort zone.

And it kind of rings true, doesn't it? When I'm faced with anything involving numbers (like dividing up a restaurant check), I freeze up. I work with words; I can't do numbers! I'm likely to say, "Numbers aren't my strong suit – someone else figure it out!" On the more extreme end, I'm unlikely to go skydiving. That's just not me. I don't do that kind of thing.

And Manson's law doesn't just apply to bad, scary or unpleasant things. "You will avoid negative things that threaten your identity like failure, loss, and rejection. But you will also avoid positive things that threaten your identity – even things like success, love, and happiness," says Manson.

I initially struggled to reconcile this idea. Why on earth would we avoid something we enjoy? But then it struck me that it applies to something I'm going through right now.

Avoiding Good Things

I love music. And recently I was invited to go to a festival. The problem was that of the large group of friends going, I only knew one person. The rest of them I'd never even met. So when I was proposed this idea, my instant reaction was, "No way!"

My internal monologue was yelling that I'm a shy introvert. Big groups feel intimidating. What if I don't fit in? What if I feel trapped and like I'm ruining other people's time? I'd much rather stay at home and not go through the hassle.

Fortunately, my inner Mark Manson kicked in and I agreed to go and secured a ticket.

Now, when I really think about it, I know I'm going to have a great time. I love seeing live music, I like meeting people (even if it can be tiring), and I'm excited. And Manson would also remind me that I'm not special – no one else will really care much about me!

How I conceive of my identity (introvert, don't like going out of my comfort zone) can stop me from doing things I enjoy. Manson says, "The more something scares you, the more you should just do it." Instead of being boxed in by your identity, take a step out of your comfort zone and dive in. Let's hope he's right. I'm going this week.

Resilience and Identity

The more I think about it, the more resilience and identity seem to live hand in hand.

Consider the idea of "impostor syndrome," which has struck a chord in recent years. That sense that you've overreached, that you don't deserve to be where you are, and the fear that you'll be "found out." Ironically, this often afflicts the most objectively competent people: it has nothing to do with real ability, just how we see ourselves.

Similarly, fear of failure and fear of success also plague workers worldwide. You might be so afraid of "failing" that you don't ever take a risk or try something new. Or you might be anxious about the increased responsibility of success and feel like you'll never be able to live up to expectations.

When something threatens our identity we avoid it. And so when we're forced into that situation we don't know how to respond. With his law of avoidance, Manson implores us to embrace discomfort, stop chasing external validation, and chose a path based on our own values and wishes, one full of risk and uncertainty.

The Resilient Mindset

Many other thinkers have already highlighted and studied the connection between resilience and identity.

Psychologist Susan Kobasa believes that there are three elements to resilience, all of which have to do with how resilient people see themselves. The elements are challenge, commitment and personal control.

Resilient people see setbacks as challenges, not failures; they are committed to clear goals in work and life; and they don't dwell on what's outside their control – they focus on the things they can affect, rather than dwelling on what they can't (more on this below). All of which Manson draws on in his book.

Another psychologist who believes resilience is based on the stories we tell ourselves is Martin Seligman. He refers to our "explanatory style" in regard to how we respond to setbacks. Do you blame yourself and get consumed with negativity when things go wrong? If so, then this all has to do with how you're explaining the situation to yourself.

In his book "Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life," Seligman uses the ABC technique to help reframe the situation. It stands for Adversity, Beliefs and Consequences. When you're struck with adversity, you form beliefs, which have consequences.

So, maybe you're 20 minutes late to a meeting you organized: you think to yourself "I'm a terrible employee/boss," so your confidence dives, and your week is ruined as you mull on your failure. Seligman invites us to dispute the beliefs we form – are you really a terrible boss or were you unlucky? Did you just make a simple mistake? It doesn't have to be existential.

Are You in Control?

Manson tells us that life will always suck sometimes; the key is to accept it. Part of the remedy to the law of avoidance is taking responsibility for how we respond to negative things, embracing the associated negative emotions, and doing what we can within our own sphere of influence. The more we take responsibility, the better the outcome.

Psychologist (yes, another one!) Julian B. Rotter described this as our "locus of control." In the 1950s, he wrote that we all sit somewhere on a sliding scale – those of us with an internal locus of control and those with an external locus of control. Do you believe that you're responsible for what happens in your life, or think that your life is more governed by external forces outside of your control?

Rotter claimed that those with a more internal locus of control generally have higher resilience, more job satisfaction, better response to feedback, and even better physical health. On the flip side, if you believe you don't have agency in your life, you're more likely to blame others, give up, and not take credit for what you do achieve.

Manson is big on responsibility. We may not have total control over what happens to us, but we do have complete control of how we respond to setbacks. Instead of chasing happiness all the time (and then getting mad and blaming others when things go wrong), the better path is to take responsibility for how we respond to adversity.

(You can take our Locus of Control Quiz to see where you sit on the scale.)

A Flexible Identity

In a recent newsletter, Manson wrote: "The healthiest identity is a flexible identity. The best answer to the question, 'Who am I?' is always 'I don’t know; let’s find out.'"

It might be scary to answer "I don't know." But I think it's also beautiful. It's inviting us to not box ourselves in, to stay curious, and to challenge our assumptions.

By avoiding discomfort, and negative or scary things, Manson says we're avoiding those parts of ourselves we need to challenge. By adopting a "let's find out!" attitude, we create opportunities for growth and to better understand ourselves and improve our resilience – and live a richer, more fulfilling life.

Useful Resources

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****
Mark Manson's YouTube channel
Mark Manson's Twitter

The following is a curated list of Mind Tools relevant resources (please keep in mind you may need to be a member of the Mind Tools Club to access certain resources):

Developing Resilience
Understanding Your Locus of Control
Overwhelmed at Work
Career Setbacks
Dweck's Fixed and Growth Mindsets
Managing Post-Traumatic Growth
Resiliency (audio interview with Dr Cal Crow)
How to Build Personal Resilience (audio interview with Dr John Nicholson)
The Road to Resilience (infographic)

About the Author:

Matthew has 10 years of experience writing, editing and commissioning online content. As a content editor, he's worked in several industries – including charity, culture and travel – before finding his calling in L&D at Mind Tools, where he creates accessible, timely and engaging content for learners.

The post "Who am I? I don't know: let's find out!" – Mark Manson's Law of Avoidance appeared first on Mind Tools.

My husband, on the other hand, HATES (yes, in capital letters) getting lost. He finds the uncertainty of not knowing exactly where he is distressing. And the two of us in one car when we get lost? Picture one very cool cucumber and one red hot chili pepper having an interesting "discussion" about direction. Less said, less mended, so I'll stop there.

I'm less comfortable with other types of uncertainty. In fact, any kind of relationship or financial uncertainty makes me feel like a steamroller is running me over and flattening me into the ground, face down. (You can probably tell that's not a great starting position if you intend to fight or flee.)

It wasn't always like that. In the period during and after my divorce, I experienced much uncertainty about everything in my life: relationships (even friendships), finances, where I would live, and how I'd get through the day without dying of heartache.

It almost feels as if I've used up most of my coping-with-uncertainty reserves for life. As soon as I sense relationship or financial uncertainty on my radar, all the warning lights and alarms in my head and heart start beeping, clanging and flashing: it must be avoided at all costs!

Life doesn't work like that, of course. We don't get to choose what we want to feel uncertain about, because we don't control the whole world and everything in it. None of us chose COVID, right? Yet we had to cope with and live through all the uncertainty that it unceremoniously dumped in our laps.

Looking back, many of us can't say exactly how we coped from day to day, just as I can't tell you how I got through my divorce – yet, we did. It changed who and how we are, though. It might have left some of us oversensitized to certain types of change, emotionally dysregulated, jumpy in certain situations, or hesitant to take any kind of risk.

But it also taught us how to move forward one step at a time – that we must dig deep to find courage when we feel we have none left, and how to hold space for others experiencing the trauma of major uncertainty.

"To survive and flourish in such a world, you will need a lot of mental flexibility and great reserves of emotional balance. You will have to repeatedly let go of some of what you know best, and feel at home with the unknown."

― Yuval Noah Harari, "21 Lessons for the 21st Century"

A Tidal Wave of Uncertainty

Mind Tools coach Mike Barzacchini says, in the past, uncertainty like an unexpected job loss, a health crisis, or a tragic accident hit him like a tidal wave. "When the wave hits, I may react, often out of self-preservation, but eventually, I have to move from reaction to action, even if that action starts as thoughtful contemplation. I've learned that I don't have to be one hundred percent certain, but if I can begin to take even the smallest steps to understand, solve, and move forward, uncertainty begins to ebb. When uncertainty hits, even the smallest piece of driftwood may allow an opportunity to find a handhold and ultimately a flow to a more certain, stable state."

The Trauma of Long-Term Uncertainty

This is how Mind Tools coach Sonia Harris describes what long-term uncertainty did to her: "Benjamin Franklin once said, 'In this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes.' I agree. Years ago, as a second-semester college freshman, the uncertainty (my family and) I faced after involuntary homelessness was stressful.

"The uncertainty I experienced caused anxiety and worrying. Would I miss an important piece of mail? Would anyone steal our property while we were sleeping in a public space? Would anyone break into our vehicle when we were away at work or school? Do I have enough essentials until we make another trip to the storage unit?

"When I think back to that year, the trauma has blocked some of my memory: some things I remember vividly while others are a blur or blank. The trauma still lingers in other ways, and I notice it when deciding to discard old things. I recognize that it takes me a little longer than the simplified, popular 'keep, discard or donate' process."

To Operate or Not to Operate?

Mind Tools coach Sarah Harvey has been waiting for a minor operation which has been booked and canceled three times over a five-month period, all for reasons outside her control.

"Although a minor procedure, the recovery time requires two weeks of recuperation, including minimal standing and walking, and no driving. Inevitably this restricts my life and work for two weeks post-op.

"During those five months, my frustration built and built, but not about the canceled procedure. It was the uncertainty caused by the inability to plan that was the issue. Not knowing when I may need to clear my diary for two weeks became surprisingly disconcerting. It was unsettling. Making decisions became more challenging. It was always there in the back of my mind. I constantly worried about letting people down. In the end, I decided not to go ahead with the operation."

Dealing With Uncertainty, One Baby Step at a Time

Mind Tools coach Zala Bricelj says that the words "uncertainty" and "life-changing" go together.

"I have recently become a mother. The road to motherhood was long and winding, with many unexpected turns. When we had almost given up, this little rainbow child came into our life: our little bundle of joy, happiness and excitement. And with her came many feelings of uncertainty.

"They say that 'with love comes big responsibility.' I can attest to it. As much as I care deeply for my child and feel like there's a piece of my heart walking around the world now, I also feel a great deal of fear, anxiety and uncertainty. There's the anxiety that I think every mom feels about their child: are they going to be safe, healthy, and have a good life? But, at times, I feel a gut-wrenching and overpowering uncertainty related to knowing there's a human being that relies on us and needs our protection, guidance, love, and support, no matter what happens.

"I slowly and mindfully started accepting that I'd be living with long-term uncertainty from the moment I looked into my daughter's eyes. I'm prepared to accept and embrace all the emotions this uncertainty brings, and take one 'baby step' at a time. It means that I must consciously be in touch with my emotions, calm the rollercoaster in my head and heart, lean on my partner and loved ones for support, and often gently whisper to myself: 'You are exactly what this kiddo needs!'"

How Damaging Is Long-Term Uncertainty?

Uncertainty will always be with us to some degree. Author Mandy Hale said, "Life isn't meant to be lived perfectly… but merely to be lived. Boldly, wildly, beautifully, uncertainly, imperfectly, magically lived." What a great reminder that I shouldn't strive to live life perfectly, because that's impossible. Rather, I should strive to live my best, beautiful, uncertain life!

During Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed the effects of long-term uncertainty and how we can learn to reframe how we think about it. Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. What do you think/feel when you hear the word "uncertainty"?

@JKatzaman Uncertainty is more like business as usual in today's world. It's an uneasy adventure.

@PG_pmp Uncertainty brings some sort of fear in mind... however keep acquiring skills... to prepare to face any situation.

Q2. What's the difference between indecision and uncertainty?

@_GT_Coaching In this example, indecision could be my reaction to uncertainty.

@NWarind Indecision is multiple choices, whereas uncertainty is a lack of confidence.

@Yolande_MT Uncertainty is not knowing something, as well as knowing that you don't know. You also know that you have no way of knowing now because you have to rely on a source that is unknowable (future) or unreliable (a person). Indecision is an inability to decide what to do now or what to do next, and which course of action to take. Uncertainty could be a factor in a person's indecision.

Q3. What are possible emotional and mental effects of prolonged uncertainty?

@SarahH_MT Possible emotional and mental effects of prolonged uncertainty include feeling stressed out, mood swings or problems sleeping. If it goes on this can lead to anxiety, depression and panic attacks.

@MarkC_Avgi Prolonged uncertainty usually impacts self-confidence, and often results in over-analysis during a decision-making process, which can weigh heavily on emotions & our state of mind.

Q4. What are some examples of the physical impact such uncertainty can have?

@J_Stephens_CPA The mental and emotional stress impact the physical – loss of sleep, digestive stress. Uncertainty impacts the whole person.

@Dwyka_Consult My skin felt as if I had sunburn – except that I didn't. It lasted for years and eventually faded. However, when I start feeling uncertain about something important, my burning skin returns.

@ColfaxInsurance (Alyx) Uncertainty about food availability can lead to unhealthy eating habits; uncertainty about job or income stability can lead to poor sleep and prolonged stress – which in itself leads to a myriad of other health issues.

Q5. Have you experienced prolonged uncertainty? What was the situation?

@Midgie_MT In addition to COVID-19, I also experienced prolonged uncertainty when I first moved from Canada to the U.K. Not knowing how long I would stay, where I would live, or what I would do... kinda scary. Also, when I was 'between jobs' and job hunting.

@MikeB_MT Waiting for an employer to announce a reorg' that I knew was coming. How would it affect my job? When would it be announced? Often when decisions aren't fully in our control, uncertainty thrives.

Q6. How have you coaxed/guided yourself through uncertainty?

@southbaysome Prayer. Good friends. Meditation. Trust in the universe. A lot of self-reflection.

@SarahH_MT I've learned to guide myself through uncertainty by focusing on what I can control and trying to let go of what I can't. I find it useful to plan some immediate actions I can take to move forward despite the uncertainty and to be clear about what my options are.

Q7. How has living through uncertainty changed you?

@ThiamMeka2Gogue I have learned to optimize uncertainty towards my goals as it provides the space for me to look for different opportunities, new options and overlooked solutions.

@JKatzaman Uncertainty might make you less risk averse. What's a little more risk among friends?

Q8. How does uncertainty affect how we handle risk?

@SoniaH_MT When we cannot fully assess a situation, we may be more guarded or averse with our feelings, finances, contributions, or investments. On the other hand, some people get a rush from not knowing what the outcome will be.

@ColfaxInsurance (Alyx) It can make us more hesitant to take on risk. It can also make us more thorough; I tend to go into a 'risky' situation having done a lot of research to back up my decision.

Q9. What are your best tips to help others cope with uncertainty?

@ZalaB_MT I think you need to find what works for you best. The most important for me is identifying what you can(not) control and start from there. What can I do to change things or seek a bit more certainty to avoid the total overwhelm.

@llake Do not say "everything will be fine" or "just ____". Neither are helpful. Be a friend and buy them a cup of coffee. It's not our job to fix it, but it is in our humanness to offer loving support. Sometimes [it's] as simple as a cup of coffee and a listening ear.

Q10. It can be hard to actively embrace uncertainty, but what might happen if we did?

@MikeB_MT First I thought of a t-shirt that reads "hug uncertainty, it may hug you back." But seriously, folks... If I can balance my uncertainty and understand that a certain level will always exist, I may be able to direct my energy which has been anxiety, confusion, stress... to more positive behaviors that help me cope with and solve my uncertainty.

@MarkC_Avgi Many look at challenges with uncertainty because they view those challenges as obstacles, rather than opportunities to learn and expand our knowledge & abilities. We can only expand ourselves if we try. Benefit from success & learn from our failures or mistakes.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat.

Long-Term Uncertainty Resources

To help you learn more about dealing with long-term uncertainty, we've compiled a list of resources for you to browse. (Note that you will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.)

Decision Making Under Uncertainty

What Are the HALT Risk States?

Uncertainty, With Jonathan Fields

Coping Under Pressure

6 Ways to Support Employees' Mental Health Video

The Uncertainty Factor

Coping With Uncertainty Video

Understanding Your Locus of Control

Managing Project Uncertainty

Career Setbacks

Managing in a VUCA World

Asking for Help

Coming Up: Journaling

We all deal with major life events in different ways. Journaling about your experiences, emotions and thoughts is one way to do so. Next time on #MTtalk we're going to discuss journaling and daily writing practices. In our Twitter poll this week we'd like to know which of our statements about journaling or a daily writing practice best describes you.

The post How Damaging Is Long-Term Uncertainty? – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

• What did I learn this past year?
• What do I hope to leave behind in 2022?
• What do I look forward to in 2023?

 What Did I Learn in 2022?

While not new lessons, 2022 continued to teach me humility, resilience, empathy, and kindness. Those last two lessons I hold especially close. As I navigate life, I experience challenges and loss, like we all do. But I find that empathy, beginning with myself and radiating out to others, combined with even the smallest acts of kindness, pave my path forward.

Both empathy and kindness are practices that take focus and intention. This year I want to deepen my commitment to, and my practice of, both. For my own benefit and to make even the smallest positive difference in my world.

As I Bid Farewell to 2022 What Will I Leave Behind?

I hope to leave behind the limits I place on myself. As I look back on my life and plan forward, I continue to learn that my biggest obstacles are those I create.

Self-doubt, anxiety, inertia, and a host of others. They all add up to limits. In 2023, I intend to limit myself less and strive toward achieving more of what matters most.

What Do I Look Forward to in the New Year?

I look forward to connecting more dots. The icebreaker of a recent #MTtalk asked, "If you had unlimited charitable funds, where would you donate?"

My first response was to list three things – feed the hungry, especially children, promote literacy, and help rescue dogs. Then I thought, "What would happen if I connected these dots?"

Could I, for example, start a free lunch program that would provide children with opportunities to read to foster dogs? While I will pursue this idea (and keep looking for that large bag of money to fund it!), the lasting takeaway for me is to be open to the power of connecting ideas, resources, and people to solve problems and create opportunities.

Maybe what I'm looking forward to most is applying those lessons of empathy and kindness, to guide these connections and build community.

Now it's your turn. What has 2022 taught you? What do you hope to leave behind? And what will you carry forward to create a bright, successful new year? 

If you have big ambitions for 2023, personal or career-focused, our Life Plan workbook will help you to achieve them! 

The post Lessons, Leave-Behinds and Looking Forward to New Year appeared first on Mind Tools.

For the second time in five years, I was being waved unceremoniously toward the Way Out. My role was surplus to requirements. However, in this most inglorious and unsettled of years, the news was not entirely unexpected.

As well as its devastating impact on human life, COVID-19 has wreaked havoc on the global economy. As companies strive to survive, many workers on furlough are losing their jobs. Now I had lost mine, too.

It was a bitter pill to swallow. The only solace that I could take, if "solace" is the right word, was that I was not alone.

Furlough Ending Is Not the Only Fear

Many millions of us worldwide have had our jobs affected by the pandemic, but we've each been uniquely affected by it. We are, if you like, different ships sailing on the same choppy ocean.

There are those who've suffered layoff or been furloughed, and those who are streamlining their businesses. There are the self-employed, unsure where their next commission will come from. And the key workers, who risk their health to keep the rest of us in good shape. The list goes on.

The one thing that we all have in common is that we've all had to make adjustments. The fear, confusion, and countless other emotions of a life thrown into limbo can be a potent mix.

Recovering From Furlough

This "bit in the middle," the period of adjustment from the old to the new, is what change expert William Bridges called the "Neutral Zone." It can be an uncomfortable time – unproductive and directionless, even. And in these volatile and uncertain times, it's natural to feel a twinge of despair.

One thing that I've learned this year, however, is that we don't have to let these events and emotions scupper us. Not even redundancy. This was brought home to me when, in my new-found surfeit of free time, I read "Work Disrupted," by Jeff Schwartz and Suzanne Riss. It's a roadmap for navigating the future of work and a playbook for making the best possible job of it.

The book discusses how we can position ourselves to benefit from future opportunities, through building resilience and cultivating new mindsets and capabilities. It concludes with a host of action points, mindset shifts, tips, and insights from the author and others in the know.

It has profound relevance to anyone who wants to thrive in tomorrow's world. It's an enlightening read.

Furlough and Multi-Hyphen Careers

One of its most interesting sections looks at that "bit in the middle" – the transitions. People today will work for an average of 12 different employers during their lives, the authors say. So, whether we like it or not, we'll experience a whole lot more twists, turns and transitions in the future than we're used to. Even now.

Multi-stage, multi-chapter lives will be the norm. Returns to education, portfolio working, self-employment, paid employment, retraining, reinvention, exploration, and transition are already displacing the "one-and-done" career model.

The ability to pivot between these stages, to expand our capabilities and stretch adaptability, will be crucial. We must actively plan for longer, more winding careers, now and in the future.

Welcome to the Future

In short, we have a choice. We can let transitions unsettle, slow or paralyze us. Or we can see their potential and prepare ourselves to hit the ground running when they arrive.

A growth mindset, an enthusiasm for being challenged, and a love of continual learning and development are all key components of a strategy for anticipating and managing our career transitions.

The authors' message is that creating such a strategy is not simply a matter of good sense. No, it's survival, pure and simple. If we fail to pivot and transition successfully through the chapters of our working lives, tomorrow's world will leave us behind.

As it turned out, I was fortunate. And especially so, given the awful circumstances of COVID-19. I landed a wonderful new job that has reinvigorated and energized me.

But the message from "Work Disrupted" was clear: we're already entering the future world of work. And it looks very different from what we've been used to. Longer, more varied, and potentially more rewarding careers are ours for the taking. If we can prepare ourselves for the twists and turns that lie ahead.

Download the Full "Work Disrupted" Book Insight

Mind Tools reviews in depth the best new business and well-being books, and the tested classics, in its Book Insights series, available as text or as 15-minute audio downloads for members of the Mind Tools Club.

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For Mind Tools for Business corporate licencing, ask for a demo with one of the team.

Meanwhile, how do you cope when life throws you a curveball? What are your strategies or predictions for the future of work? Join the discussion below and let us know!

The post Coping With End of Furlough appeared first on Mind Tools.

The pandemic has affected people's working lives very differently. Some of us have carried on with our jobs throughout, or have been back in shared workplaces for a while now. Others are still locked down and working remotely. And of course, a significant number of people have lost their jobs – or are seriously worried about doing so.

After so much change, hardship – and heartbreak – and with so many things still uncertain, can we ever be happy again at work?

Lessons From Expert Voices

"Mind Tools Expert Voices" is our new podcast series where we delve into the archive of our 200+ Expert Interviews to find the insights that we need now.

In episode one, "How to Be Happy in the New Normal," my colleague Rachel Salaman takes us through some of the most useful wisdom she's gathered from her interviewees over the years on the subject of happiness, introducing clips from her chats with Dr Srikumar Rao, Daniel Goleman, Emma Seppala, Tal Ben-Shahar, and more.

Mixed Feelings About the "New Normal"

In many ways, I'm eager to get back to the office. I've missed catching up with my colleagues during breaks and lunchtimes, and getting to chat with people on other teams. I'm hungry to feel focused and creative again among a group of like-minded teammates. I'm sick of seeing a sea of faces on a virtual screen, and I've had enough of my own four walls at home. I even miss the office coffee.

Having said that…

What will it be like to battle the rush-hour traffic? To be around lots of people again? To cope with all of their fears and frustrations, as well as my own?

When we do return, we'll still have some COVID restrictions in place. So, for a while, it certainly won't be the same workplace I left – and it may never be again.

I want to feel excited about going back. I want to be happy again. But my feelings about this next phase are mixed, to say the least.

What Can I Do to Be Happy at Work?

It's tempting to assume that happiness either comes (or doesn't) from whatever happens to us. Right now, that can make us focus on other people's decisions, about things like where, when and how we work – and how we feel as a result.

But, according to many of Rachel's Expert Interview guests, we don't just have to react to what comes next. We can play a proactive role in determining how happy we feel.

"We Are Responsible For Our Own Happiness"

Those are the words of Annie McKee, a Senior Fellow at the University of Pennsylvania, and author of the book "How to Be Happy at Work." She wrote it well before COVID, but its key messages are more relevant than ever.

She talks about getting ownership of your experiences, being realistic but also hopeful, and taking small but meaningful steps toward greater happiness – for yourself and others.

Other experts we spoke to are equally optimistic. Daniel Goleman, the pioneer of Emotional Intelligence, explained how meditation can help us to find calm in periods of turbulence, and withstand the sorts of "emotional hijacks" that we'll likely face in the coming weeks and months.

And Emma Seppala from Stanford University told us about the "science of happiness" – including how to train your resilience and make better choices between negative and positive thoughts.

Go Easy On Yourself

Emma also focuses on compassion – for others, and ourselves – and that was a common theme among the experts that resonated particularly strongly with me.

I'm keen to do everything I can to be happy, and to help others to feel good too. But it was reassuring to be told to be gentle with myself while I'm doing it. To try my best, but not to expect perfection – or anything close.

Going back to work is bound to bring challenges that we haven't even anticipated. None of us knows how we're going to feel, and everyone's emotions will likely be raw for some time to come. So there's no point piling even more pressure on ourselves – and I've made a very clear mental note about self-compassion. That was something that came up in Rachel's chats with other top academics and authors such as Srikumar Rao, Tal Ben-Shahar, and Robert Kaplan, too.

Learning From the Experts

Mind Tools Expert Voices is our latest resource – a podcast that gathers ideas and insights from a range of renowned guests from our Expert Interviews series.

Expert Voices allows us to hear their thoughts on one particular theme. In the first episode, "How to Be Happy in the New Normal," we hear advice on creating a positive mindset, useful relaxation techniques, and methods for generating happiness even in the most trying circumstances.

If – like me – you've got complicated feelings about the next phase, and you're looking for ways to face it with more confidence, why not take time to hear what the experts have to say?

Listen to the First Episode of Mind Tools Expert Voices

Mind Tools Club Members and Corporate Licensees can listen to the full Expert Voices podcast now.

If you’re not a Mind Tools member, you can join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including a range of audio features. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team. 

How are you feeling about life after lockdown? Has the pandemic taken its toll on your positivity and passion? Share your experiences and tips in the comments section, below.

The post Will I Be Happy in the New Normal? - Mind Tools Expert Voices appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Johnny was fully potty-trained by 25 months," or "Lily started saying full sentences before she turned three," and "Peter can already tie his own shoelaces – he's only four, you know."

When you're 16, your nosey aunt wants to know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. When you're 18, the same nosey aunt says she hopes you're not too serious with your boyfriend or girlfriend because there's still plenty of time. Then you meet The One and you do get serious.

Within a few months of dating, the family start asking when you're getting engaged. After a while, they want to know when you're getting married. It's after the wedding the nosey aunts go into overdrive.

They want to know when you're going to start with a family, adding in a whisper that, "you shouldn't wait too long, you know." And when the first baby arrives, they want to know when you're planning to have a second one, "because you shouldn't wait too long, you know."

Leaning Into Love and Problems in the Bedroom

In my case, it wasn't only an aunt. The cousins, the friends, the friends' aunts and cousins, and the in-laws all closed ranks on me after a year went by and I wasn't even talking of babies.

Then another year went by without a nappy in sight. Into our third year of marriage, one of the aunts cornered me at a family birthday event and, in a loud whisper, asked me if we had problems in the... (nodding her head toward the bedroom).

Not being one who can tolerate people sticking their noses into my business too much, I confidently said, "Huge problems. Can I tell you about it?" She scooted off to the tea table quicker than you can say, "Mattress."

Leaning Into Yourself

The origin of their questions was the societal blueprint for the progression of relationships at that time. There were steps: find a boyfriend or girlfriend, get engaged, get married, have a baby, buy a house, have another baby...

While others fixated on it, I didn't follow the pattern. It confused the people close to me. In my heart I always knew that I didn't want to have children of my own. On the other hand, I also knew what the societal expectations were – and that there was a clash.

"Listen to the wind, it talks. Listen to the silence, it speaks. Listen to your heart, it knows."

Native American Proverb

Around our fifth year of marriage, the pressure became intense. If I was less certain of what I knew in my heart to be right for me, I might have given in to the pressure. But I knew that wasn't the path my heart wanted me to follow.

Following My Heart

At the time, the concept of "leaning into who you are" didn't exist. It was only quite recently that I realized my decision not to have children was one of my first experiences of leaning into who I am. I never felt the need to defend my decision and I knew I had my own back.

Our minds make so much "noise," and they're often cluttered with many things – goals we're chasing, progress we need to make, doing things that we think the world wants us to do.

But leaning into who you are requires you to develop an awareness of what your heart wants, and to listen to what it says. When you stand for a long time, it's natural to look for something to lean against because it takes some of the pressure/work off your body. It's a type of support, something that will keep you standing for longer.

In my opinion, leaning into who you are is becoming aware of yourself and living in such a way that you know you can lean on you. You know where to find your strength (your wall), and bring it to the fore if a situation requires it.

Last month, the world celebrated the LGBTQ+ community and our blog "What Pride Means to Us" is an ode to leaning in to who you are and the benefits that it brings to everyone.

It's Not Comfortable

Leaning into who you are is also about a special kind of resilience – a resilience that you only have when you combine the following elements: energy/motivation, knowing your values, knowing your strengths, and knowing you can trust yourself.

We don't like being or feeling uncomfortable. And we're good at avoiding things that make us uncomfortable, like starting an exercise regimen when you're unfit. We know the pain that's going to follow, and we use Monday as a perfect way not to confront the discomfort today.

All we're doing is postponing the pain until Tuesday and the muscle stiffness until Wednesday. Later on, though, when you start enjoying the benefits of being fit, you thank yourself for having started when you did.

Leaning into who you are requires you to be OK with being uncomfortable at times, like I was with family and friends and their prodding about having a baby. However, I have not regretted my decision. Today I look back and thank myself for being willing to endure the discomfort and to stand up for the voice in my heart. Because if I ignored it, I would have made a huge mistake.

"Leaning Into Who You Are" Chat

During the #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we talked about leaning into who you are and how to become your own best supporter. Here are the questions we asked and some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. How do you understand "leaning into who you are?"

@JKatzaman Leaning into who you are is not bending yourself into the mold or demands of others.

@SizweMoyo Becoming less of the opinions that I hold about myself, and more accepting and embracing of who I really am, even if it's not at the best level yet.

Q2. Isn't leaning in just self-acceptance, or is there more to it?

@CaptRajeshwar It is more about other directly connected factors which turn you towards self-actualization and realization of yourself.

@ColfaxInsurance I think a big part of it is self-acceptance, but it's also self-understanding and reflection, and how you can better work with yourself to get to the goals you have.

Q3. How and where did you learn to make excuses/apologize for who you are?

@nitinwelde When we keep searching for the Q "am I enough...?" That makes us apologize for our perceived shortfall. Rather than giving excuses we must accept who we are. That is the mantra, ain't it?

@DhongdeSupriya It's common across cultures to please and prioritize others before you! Any time it's different then guilt sets in and we become apologetic.

Q4. Leaning into who you are can be uncomfortable. Agree/disagree? Why?

@lg217 It can be depending on the situation you are in. Always try to be around people who understand you and avoid those that judge against others. Accept you for who you are. Remember, you don't need to please anyone or be forced to change you.

@Yolande_MT Leaning into yourself can be uncomfortable if you've denied yourself being you throughout your life. You literally have to learn "being" in a new way.

Q5. What prevents us from leaning into who we are?

@SustainedLeader We create comfort zones that do not challenge us or stretch us. This is why we must leave them and explore new paths and new opportunities.

@SizweMoyo It's hard to break out of old habits and patterns. And breaking these routines usually displeases our friends and family, so it's a risky decision to make, and easy to shy away from because the effects don't all unfold at the same time

Q6. Do you know anyone who leans in to who "they" are? What does that look like/what is the impact on them/others?

@Mphete_Kwetli Mostly we see it in disabled people as they don't let their disability set boundaries for them. They do what their heart and ambition inspire them to be.

@Yolande_MT When you get out of your head and go into your heart, you have more compassion and empathy for others.

Q7. What are the benefits of leaning into yourself?

@pavelStepanov77 You gain confidence and become more self-dependent.

@Dwyka_Consult The picture I see in my mind is of you "settling in" to you, like one would settle into a cozy duvet. Becoming comfortable with that place. It's great to be like that with yourself. You're less critical of others, easier to work with.

Q8. What happens to relationships when you lean into who you are?

@nitinwelde Improve beyond expectations. Your relationship with yourself improves & that improves the rest of your relationships. Since you accept who you are, you are more open to accept who others are. It's a self-fueling cycle.

@JKatzaman Leaning into who you are keeps relationships from deteriorating into dependency one way or the other.

Q9. How do you go about leaning in? What strategies can you use?

@ColfaxInsurance I've learned to ask myself, "Am I doing xx thing/behavior/etc because I want to, or because I feel it's expected of me?" It's helped me focus more on what's actually important to me.

@MicheleDD_MT Stay true to your values and your purpose. The times that I stray from my values, are the times that I question who I am.

Q10. How can you encourage others to do it?

@HloniphileDlam7 By being exemplary and coaching people through speech, comfort and support. Nothing beats action.

@MarkC_Avgi A person has to truly understand who they truly are, before they can ever hope to "lean" into themselves. Far too many people go through life swaying from being one person for someone & someone else for another person. Figure out who you are & stick to it.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat over here.

Coming Up

Even if you feel strongly about leaning into who you are, there are other elements that might influence you. We are what we consume and everything we watch, listen and read informs our thoughts and influences our behavior.

In our Twitter poll this week, we want to know which area of your life is most affected by the things that you consume. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

"Leaning Into Who You Are" Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources that explore Leaning Into Who You Are. (Some of these may only be available in full to members of the Mind Tools Club. and to Mind Tools for Business licensees.)

Beyonder Creativity

Working With Purpose

Dealing With Guilt

Boosting Your Self-Esteem

What's Your Reputation?

Self-Mastery

Self-Discipline

Developing Self-Awareness

The post Leaning Into Who You Are – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

"It is better to stand in the rain than to run to your enemy for shelter."

It was February 12, 2006. We were on our way to the U.S.A., on a trip that we had planned, and saved for, over many months. We were giddy with excitement because we were headed for New York City – the Big Apple... city of cities! Except that we weren't. There were storms ahead.

The direct flight from Johannesburg, South Africa to New York meant flying north and refueling in Senegal, before flying across the Atlantic. This stopover usually takes only two hours, but on this day, we sat on the tarmac for a good five to six hours. As passengers sitting in planes do, we started getting restless and wondered what was going on. Eventually, we were informed that takeoff was delayed because of bad weather in New York.

When we left Dakar, we settled into our seats feeling all excited again – we were on our way! As we approached New York, though, the turbulence grew worse by the minute, and our plane was put into a holding pattern. Round and round we flew in that horrible weather, with no prospect of landing.

After being rerouted to Washington D.C., refueling, and sitting on the tarmac for another four hours, we were finally allowed to fly back to New York and land.

Riding Out the Storms

What we didn't know was that our flight was the first to touch down at John F. Kennedy Airport that day. The "bad weather" that they'd told us about in Dakar was a bit more than that – it was a huge storm, and on February 11 and 12, parts of New York city had experienced record snowfall.

We should have touched down at 7 a.m. originally, but by the time we disembarked, it was late into the evening. And there was something else we didn't know until we exited customs: all the public transport systems were shut. Even taxis were few and far between. We eventually managed to secure transport to our hotel – a limousine, no less, the cost of which made us want to cry.

After weighing our options of spending the night (and possibly the following day) in the airport building, or walking 20 miles to our destination in sub-zero temperatures in a place we'd never been before, the limo seemed a sensible option.

Looking back, we often laughed about that evening and the limousine ride. Normally, we would never have considered paying that much for a ride from an airport to a hotel. However, the circumstances weren't normal and we were pushed to think and act outside of our comfort zone.

Storms of Another Kind

Sadly, that relationship didn't last (unrelated to the limousine!) and a mere three years later, I faced a storm of another kind when I got divorced. There was no "limousine" on standby. I simply had to cope with many things I'd never dealt with before.

Yet that stormy period in my life shaped me in so many ways. My self-confidence was in tatters and I had to learn to become confident again. It changed how I saw myself and what I thought I was capable of. My resilience was pushed to its limits and it made me grow stronger, and I learned the value of becoming self-reliant.

The whole sad experience revealed who my true friends were and who turned out to be fair-weather friends. It taught me to set boundaries and to protect myself mentally and emotionally.

Most of all, my career took a totally different turn from the one I had originally planned. Looking back now, I know it was for the better – and for that I am immensely grateful.

What Storms Do

Wikipedia starts its definition of a storm with, "any disturbed state of an environment or in an astronomical body's atmosphere especially affecting its surface, and strongly implying severe weather. It may be marked by significant disruptions to normal conditions."

Isn't that what storms in life do? They create abnormal circumstances that change the surface of your life. They're noisy, severe and scary. They push you to think of survival, finding shelter, and acting beyond your comfort zone.

Make It Go Away!

Often when in the midst of adversity, you feel like you'll do anything to make it go away. Sometimes you become willing to compromise your values. You bargain with your soul, and sell out your emotional and physical well-being. Storms have the power to do that to us.

The other side of the coin is that they give you the opportunity to grow stronger in your beliefs. They reveal a lot about yourself and your thinking – to you. They teach you to delay gratification and to make wiser decisions – not to fall for the temporary relief that you'll later regret.

On our Facebook Career Community, several people commented on how stormy life experiences changed the course of their career, and the impact that had on their lives.

The Truth Is...

But it doesn't matter what spin we put on storms and how good they are for our growth and development, they sometimes leave us shaken, bruised, and in emotional tatters.

Someone that I studied with passed away from COVID a few weeks back. I have no words to describe what her family is going through. That storm uprooted their lives completely, and dealing with the aftermath is crushing.

Life's storms don't necessarily take physical things or people from you, but they can take things that are difficult to regain, such as trust, confidence, and believing in the goodness of the world.

The Storms That Shaped Us

During the #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we talked about how the storms of life can shape us. Here are the questions we asked and some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. How do you view life's stormy periods? A blessing? An inconvenience? Explain.

@J_Stephens_CPA I guess it depends on the storm. Some are challenging and result in a mess. Others are opportunities for growth (it takes rain to grow plants).

@TwinkleEduCons In the past few years, I have come to view them as a life lesson I had not yet learnt, but needed to. There is ALWAYS a takeaway and often the process itself is a life lesson. Difficult and unpleasant, but necessary for continued growth – if we so choose!

Q2. When you are in a storm, what is your first response?

@carriemaslen A common initial response to a storm or period of darkness is to ask, "Why Me?", and focus on the downside. With time and help we can see it as an opportunity.

@emapirciu Am I really in a storm, or do I make a storm out of nothing? I tend to give myself some time to evaluate my options. Otherwise, I risk amplifying the storm with the wrong decisions.

Q3. What do you say to yourself to help you keep going?

@Manex_JMBS If someone else did it, I can do it too, if no-one has done it, I will be the first to do it.

@BMtrainercoach I am smart, capable and I can find a place I should be. I can still be happy – my value is internal... not external.

Q4. What have storms revealed to you about yourself/your character/your values?

@lsmurthy99 Storms teach us the mysterious ways we can be tested by Nature or situations. Replace fears with faith. Resolve to uphold our values all the time and... [it will bring] the joy of learning and gratefulness.

@MarkC_Avgi That I am a survivor. That I can figure out how to come out the other side, with the realization that things may actually be better. With my values and ethics intact, and sometimes with a new perspective on priorities and life.

Q5. How did your worst storms change the way you think?

@PG_pmp That we should always be prepared for anything and not to leave the path of learning... so always create space to upgrade self.

@NWarind The first rule is to lower your sails and reinforce the mast.

Q6. What would you do differently if another storm appeared in your life?

@MicheleDD_MT Think about what I need (self-care) to weather the storm and reach out to others for support.

@ColfaxInsurance Take the time to assess the origin of the storm. Is it in my head/battling w/ myself, or is it an outside factor that I can change/work with? And ask for help sooner, before I feel like I'm drowning.

Q7. How do you react to someone who minimizes, discounts or "one-ups" your storm experience?

@Midgie_MT I no longer react. I ignore it and say to myself that the person has some need to feel "better than" someone else. In this case me, so I do not respond or carry on that line of discussion.

@DhongdeSupriya I just smile. I don't waste my energy and choose to ignore it. By explaining I feel I am diluting my struggle and fight.

Q8. Why do some find it so difficult to ask for support during a storm?

@SizweMoyo Some people view asking for help as a sign of weakness. Life can get pretty tough, asking for help is another way to cope with it all.

@NgukaOduor Fear. And mostly for me it's the notion that I might most likely not get help, so I just struggle with it within me.

Q9. What are the benefits of reaching out during a storm, and who do you ask for help/support?

@llake When we ask for and receive help, it's not just about us. We are better in all areas when we get the right help – in turn, we can be helpful toward others. We need to encourage this at a young age. I ask those who are the best fit. That may not be friends/family.

@JKatzaman Reaching out to those you trust during a storm helps keep all of you grounded.

Q10. How would you support someone who is in the midst of a storm?

@Yolande_MT As always, my go-to thing is to ask a person how I can best support them. What can I do for them right now? What can I do for them tomorrow/next week?

@PmTwee Engaging and encouraging are the best support keys.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up

Our storms are part of what makes us who we are – they're part of the fabric of our being. But not all parts of our story are equally easy to own. In our next #MTtalk chat, we're going to talk about owning your story. In our poll this week, we'd like to know which part of owning your story you find most difficult. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources to explore strategies and develop skills that can help you to own your story. Some of them may only be available in full to members of the Mind Tools Club.

Managing Post-Traumatic Growth

Back on Track

Working Through Grief

How Resilient Are You?

The Uncertainty Factor

How Can Stoicism Help You at Work?

Life After Job Loss

Managing Your Boundaries

Lazarus and Folkman's Transactional Model of Stress and Coping

From Reactive to Proactive Management

How to Manage a Team Member With PTSD

The post The Storms That Shaped Us – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

"I have gotten where I am today by refusing to stay where I was."

The lawn in our front garden was all but decimated. My flower beds were half-ruined (I'm being generous here) and everything was full of dust. My husband had a teary wife, and a considerable chunk of money had exited our bank account. It was the end of a long day that's known in our household as, "The Day We Drilled a Dry Hole."

In the town where I live, we regularly experience water outages. With that in mind, we decided to drill for water. The drill rig arrived early in the morning, and by seven o'clock, the massive drill bit was already pounding the earth with determined monotony, emitting a deafening noise.

To begin with, it happily churned out evidence of its journey through millions of years of geological events. But, by noon, it was evident that the rock layers were getting thicker and harder – and the drilling slowed down visibly.

"Maybe," we told ourselves at 40 meters deep, "we'll hit an aquifer in the next few meters." When we reached 50 meters, we had to decide: carry on, or call it quits?

"Let's go 10 meters deeper," my husband said. Then 60 meters... and still no water.

"Let's go 10 meters deeper," I said, all too conscious of the cost – but choosing to focus on hope.

But at 70 meters, we had to stop. The costs were already sky-high, and we had no idea at what depth we'd find water.

Work It Out With Mental Muscle

We went into the situation knowing we might not find water, and also knew we'd have to be able to cope with the disappointment of possibly drilling a "dry" hole.

Life is like that: you can't stop drilling when you hit the first layer of rock and the process slows down. Or stop working toward a survival or achievement goal every time you hit a roadblock.

You have to learn how to become strong enough to persevere through tough times and situations. It's essential that you learn to deal with outcomes other than the ones you wanted. You have to build strong mental muscles.

Flex Your Mental Muscle

Dr Supriya Dhongde, our guest host on #MTtalk, is an expert on the topic of building mental muscle. And she recognizes that, when setbacks occur and pull us down, we often wonder how we can better manage those difficult times.

The answer, she says, lies in building stronger "mental muscles" – which can also be described as developing grit, tenacity, persistence, or discipline.

We need strong mental muscles to cope with challenges in all spheres of life – including our relationships, career, health, finances, and any decisions involving these things.

Dr Dhongde refers to something called the cognitive triangle. She says, "Anytime we want to start, sustain, or stop anything, we are always moving within this triangle."

Whenever there is an activating event (something that happens), we move between:

• Thought – I tell myself something.
• Feeling – I feel something.
• Behavior – I do something.

For example, say you decide to exercise to get fit and lose some weight. On the third day, your partner disrupts your program by asking you to change your exercise time because it clashes with their routine.

• Thought – "They always do this; I have no space in this relationship."
• Feeling – You feel restricted and upset.
• Behavior – You tell your partner that you won't be watching a movie with them over the weekend like you'd promised.

And the result: you don't exercise, harbor resentment, and feel as if your whole week is ruined.

Day-to-Day Mental Muscle

Of course, we need strong mental muscles when we're faced with extraordinary adversity. However, strong mental muscles are just as important (if not more so) when dealing with small, day-to-day issues.

But how do you build strong mental muscles? All it takes is a few simple steps:

1. Building belief

The word "building" brings to mind a picture of a tall, strong building, and it's representative of how we should look at ourselves. All of us, irrespective of our genetic makeup or experiences (read "failures"), can build our mental muscles.

2. Awareness

Let's use the classic rating-scale question from the coaching world. On a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being the lowest, 5 being the highest), how strong are your mental muscles? This rating will help us to assess ourselves.

3. Plan

Baby steps can have a big impact. By taking just five to 10 minutes a day to do something, you'll experience your stamina and confidence gradually building up. Although a few minutes a day might not look like much, each session will help you to create new pathways in your brain.

4. Sustain

This is the trickiest part. Many New Year resolutions have already faded away! It's up to you to find strategies that will work for you. For example, if you miss your morning exercise, set aside time in your planner to do it in the evening.

5. Appreciate

You've heard this many times, right? Still, we constantly beat ourselves up while working out a whole "correction plan" in our minds. Observe your self-talk, and choose the most affectionate words to push and persuade yourself.

All's Well That Ends Well

Finally, anytime you don't do your small daily action, don't waste energy on analyzing it – just get up and start.

And that dry hole? We really had to "dig in" to cope with the enormous disappointment we felt. But we did. Then, refusing to accept that we had no other choice, we started thinking of other ways to buffer ourselves against water outages.

Maybe we didn't have the ideal outcome, but we came up with a workable and cost-effective alternative. And sometimes that's what mental muscle means: to learn to live with a reality other than the one we'd imagined.

How to Build Mental Muscle

During the #MTtalk Twitter chat this week, Dr Dhongde and I hosted the discussion on making your mental muscles stronger.

Here are the questions we asked, and a selection of thought-provoking answers from participants in the chat:

Q1. What words do you think of when you hear the phrase "mental muscle?"

@SizweMoyo I think about the levels of strength to keep a positive attitude and work ethic even in tough times.

@J_Stephens_CPA The first thing that comes to mind is exercising the mind – reading and learning; using reason.

@ZalkaB Mental resilience. Having a bend-able mindset that helps you adapt to any challenges ahead.

@TheToniaKallon Awareness, perseverance, resilience.

Q2. What is your strength when it comes to your mental muscles? What is your gray area?

@ColfaxInsurance I have determination like none other, that's my strongest. I have a harder time with focus if I'm lacking motivation.

@MarkC_Avgi It is said that life is 20% what happens & 80% how one deals with what happens. Many do not exhibit that ratio. I believe one of my mental strengths was learning how to deal with stressful situations, as well as making a commitment & sticking to it.

Q3. The events of 2020 tested us in many ways. What did they teach you about your mental tenacity/muscle?

@SayItForwardNow 2020 taught me many, many lessons, including that an optimistic and hopeful mindset kept me going.

@TwinkleEduCons Highlighted my strengths & weaknesses. I learnt I can cope very well in lockdown by practising gratitude & focusing on the small things. I didn't feel the distress many did. However, I learnt that lack of movement & staying indoors affected my mood more than I realised.

Q4. In what ways can building mental muscle help us in our personal life?

@Yolande_MT Building mental muscle helps you to break old habits and establish new, more beneficial / healthier habits.

@shamikv I see 'mental muscle' as a bridge over the troubled waters of the mind to connect subconscious to the superconscious.

Q5. Why might you have a stronger mental muscle in one area of your life than another?

@hopegovind Experience makes your mental muscles stronger. My wife sometimes says you have become stone hearted due to the past experience in your life. That's true in our life. Whether workplace or personal life, our experiences make us stronger.

@nitinwelde The muscle may be a combination of many muscles. One may not expect [the] same response in each area of mental response. So you tend to make that muscle stronger that you are comfortable with. The other areas may get ignored as it may need introspection & improvement.

Q6. We do physical strength training in a gym. What sort of "gym" is required to build mental muscles?

@emapirciu Reading builds the mental muscles.

@Raadhadhongde Making Psychology a compulsory subject like Math and Science for kids! It will go a long way in building mental muscles for every individual.

Q7. Which bad habits will you need to let go of as part of your long-term plan to strengthen your mental muscle?

@DhongdeSupriya I need to learn to consciously unwind and relax 🙂

@MyZoneofGenius If I stop focusing on my weakness and focus on my strengths! E.g. I have to notice better drivers, not be consumed by the 'idiots'!

Q8. Do you have tips or strategies you can share which have helped you to become mentally tough?

@TanjaProtic 1. Start! Just start even if it is a baby step. 2. Do it regularly. Don't skip. If you skip a day do it the next day or as soon as possible. 3. Don't judge yourself if the effort you put in isn't perfect – something is better than nothing! 4. Keep track.

@AnthonyGiannone The best tip I can think of in terms of mental muscle is you must concentrate on your task at hand and always be focused in whatever you do. Those two key points [are] how you not only develop your mental muscle, but keep it strong.

Q9. How might building mental muscle benefit your team?

@MicheleDD_MT There is strength in unity. With strong mental muscles, a team is impervious to setbacks and obstacles.

@MarkC_Avgi A good team consists of people with different strengths, such that the strengths of one compensate for a weakness in another. Too much mental muscle or "testosterone" on a team can be an issue as well, sometimes.

Q10. How can we help one another to build mental muscle?

@MichaelPotts Listen more and judge less.

@Midgie_MT Positive words of encouragement and suggestions on reframing situations in a more resourceful / positive manner.

Coming Up

Over the past weeks we've spoken about lessons, rethinking our goal setting, and building our mental muscles. In our next #MTtalk chat, we're going to talk about "How to do what we know we should do."

In our poll this week, the question we're posing is: "So you've decided on your goals – how do you make sure you go on to achieve them?" To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Useful Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources to help you to build your mental muscle. (You'll need to be a Club member or a corporate licensee to access them all in their entirety.)

The Uncertainty Factor

How Can Stoicism Help You at Work?

Finding Your Allies

Self-Mastery

Core Self-Evaluations

Developing Resilience

Self-Discipline

Motivating Yourself

Breaking Bad Habits

Self-Sabotage

Developing Personal Accountability

Are You a Procrastinator?

Managing Post-Traumatic Growth

The post How to Build Mental Muscle – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Maybe you've put in a lot of hard work this year because you're aiming for a promotion next year. Perhaps you're saving now for a holiday in six months' time. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow…

COVID and Your Career

And then something happens that upends today and many tomorrows. Something like COVID-19.

One day during lockdown, my cousin and her fiancé made a list of all the people in their combined families whose jobs were unaffected by the pandemic. Between them, they were only able to name six people out of almost 50.

Jenna, one of our cousins, had a well-paying job and had just put in an offer to buy her first house. The seller accepted her offer two days before lockdown was announced. She was supposed to move in at the end of May.

Days later, Jenna's firm told staff that they would not be reopening after lockdown. Now she not only has to navigate the legal maze of extricating herself from the house purchase, but she also has to do it while jobless and without an income.

Industry Sectors Collapsing

Another cousin, Mary-Ann, is a commercial property specialist. She was steadily climbing the corporate ladder and was very excited about being promoted to a new position with a significant salary increase.

During the lockdown, she was told that her promotion was no longer possible, and that her salary would be halved until further notice. The commercial property sector has almost collapsed and Mary-Ann is in danger of losing her job. She doubts whether she'll be able to work in commercial property again.

My aunt Reena owns a high-end safari travel business. But international tourists are not yet allowed into South Africa, and no one knows when travel restrictions will be lifted. Will my aunt's business even be able to return to a fraction of its pre-lockdown bookings? Nobody knows. In the meantime, she's trying to keep herself and her employees afloat.

Time to Reevaluate Your Career?

I can't imagine what it must be like to lose your job and at the same time see the industry you work in being decimated. Losing your job is difficult, but losing your entire career must be doubly traumatic, especially if it happens almost overnight, with no warning and no way to prepare for it.

On the other hand, you sometimes get into a career and stay in it, even though you don't enjoy it anymore. It just seems like too much trouble to start studying again, or to learn a whole new industry and start at the bottom again.

An event such as the pandemic, which impacts so many jobs, careers and industries, may be an opportunity to reevaluate your career. Maybe it's time to think of the job you always wanted to do, but instead chose a more "secure" path. Or perhaps it's time to pay attention to your strengths and the things that other people value about you. How can you use that to forge a new career?

Maybe it's not only time for us all to reexamine our values and how we've done things in the past, but also the time for us to think about how we really want to spend our tomorrows.

"Careers are a jungle gym, not a ladder."

Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO

Lost Your Career Overnight, Now What?

During our #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we talked about having to deal with suddenly losing your career. Here are the questions we asked, and a selection of your responses:

Q1. What sectors/roles do you see disappearing right now?

@_TomGReid We are already seeing the footprint of malls, department stores, and other retail areas shrink. Even if Amazon moves into old Lord and Taylor stores, the smaller stores that depended on the dept. store foot traffic will be hurt.

@PG_pmp Basically all jobs which can be easily accomplished without any manual intervention.

@DhongdeSupriya Difficult question as "total sector and roles disappearing" is too fast a statement. Maybe for the time being we'll just see a dip or lull.

Q2. What sectors/roles do you see emerging right now?

@letusthink2 Mental health professionals, life coaching, and any business with online capabilities of sending goods and products.

@sciencelabman Online retail had a huge boost, with sales going up massively. Anything where a shift online has been possible has done well.

Q3. What is/was the hardest part of losing your job?

@WonderPix Trying to find a new one with so many others in a global pandemic doesn't make it easy.

@TheCraigKaye For me, it was the immediate security worry of how I'll pay my bills, followed by a career bereavement and then reflecting what shall I do now. It's how we portray ourselves and the decisions we make at this panic point which defines our direction!

Q4. Your working identity might have been shattered, so who are you now?

@lsmurthy99 Working identity is incidental during professional careers, and intermittent breaks are part and parcel of corporate careers. Your competencies, capabilities, knowledge gained over years is your strength of character. You are a great human being firstly.

@J_Stephens_CPA We need to find our identity in more than our work. We should work to make a living rather than living to work. I'd rather be known as my son's dad any day over the tax CPA.

Q5. How do you balance financial pressures with taking your time?

@SizweMoyo For lack of a better answer, if you don't need it, don't worry about spending money on it. But move along as best as you can.

@ColfaxInsurance If you were lucky, you were able to save away for rough times. Cut out the unnecessary: do you really need Netflix/Hulu/takeout etc right now? You can catch up later. Take advantage of the time to reconnect with your family and find the right fit for you job-wise.

Q6. What do you dream of doing/being but always reject in favor of a "steady" job?

@jacharakis I'm working on my dream right now. Rejecting your dream leads to being miserable. Steady jobs are only steady with a plan towards the future.

@carriemaslen Losing my job as part of a major "workforce reduction" at HP freed me up to be an adjunct prof at @UMD, a dream I always wanted to try.

Q7. What do people value about you that you don't, and where could that lead?

@TwinkleEduCons My knowledge, experience & intuition. I forget how much I have done & learnt, and I think that everyone else already knows all the same stuff as I do! I assume everyone knows how to manage anxiety with breathing, for example.

@MarkC_Avgi I think the answer to that would best come from "those people," not from me. Others might be able to say what talents they think I have which they believe I have not optimized. At this time in my life & career, it might be being a mentor.

Q8. Think about your network. Who haven't you had the courage to contact, and why?

@MaryEllenGrom My personal mantra: connect the people, the dots will follow. I probably err on the side of over-connecting, but I rely on my network frequently for so many different things.

@Yolande_MT We don't ask because we fear rejection. No rejection is as bad as missing out on an opportunity that might have afforded you a brilliant career.

Q9. If you were recruiting to your company or team, who would you be looking for now?

@VardhanPande One who has the capability and the heart to work through the thick and thin.

@MicheleDD_MT Well rounded. Interpersonal & emotional intelligence. Problem solver. Collaborator.

Q10. What new skills do you need to learn? How will you do this?

@aamir9769 I need to upskill my leadership skill of managing people and getting the work done, & need more opportunity to speak on public forums.

@JKatzaman Most new jobs entail learning new skills. The key is having an open mind and the flexibility to learn and capitalize on what lies before you.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat, here.

Our Next #MTtalk

Fear is a theme that is popping up in conversations more frequently. People fear losing their jobs, they fear the future, they feel uncertain.

One way of dealing with our overwhelming feelings is to remain in the moment, but that's easier said than done.

For our next #MTtalk, we'll talk about being present in a strange (new) world. In our poll this week, let us know which sign of "spacing out" you most often experience. To see the poll and to cast your vote, click here.

Useful Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources relating to attention and focus that we discussed on Friday. Note: some of the resources below may only be available in full to members of the Mind Tools Club.

9 Ways to Future Proof Your Career

Negotiating a Job Offer

Starting a New Job

Core Self-Evaluations

Working With Purpose

Life After Job Loss

Living With a Lack of Job Security

How Resilient Are You?

The post #MTtalk Roundup: Lost Your Career Overnight, What Now? appeared first on Mind Tools.

But what happens if new leadership opportunities arise at work – when home feels like it's already taking everything you've got?

New Parent, New Job

Three of my biggest upward steps in leadership coincided with new babies. Our first son was born in the same week that I was put in charge of a team of broadcasters.

Then a couple of years later, shortly after I won promotion to a senior management role, our daughter arrived. Eight years after that, having switched careers, I stepped up to be the Deputy Principal of an elementary school – just as we welcomed son number two into the fold.

I remember each of these periods as being incredibly happy and extremely tough. On one hand, life was exciting, and I felt lucky to have the chance to make a difference. People needed me, at home and at work, and I was determined to do them proud.

However, on the other hand, each day was a whirlwind. I was being pulled in all directions. I was constantly exhausted. And there were many times when I felt like I was letting everyone down.

Being a Working Parent is Tough – for Everyone

From conversations I've had with friends and colleagues, I know that this is a common feeling among working parents. I was also reassured to read about it in "Parents Who Lead," by Stewart D. Friedman and Alyssa F. Westring.

As they point out, parenting is the only legal 24/7 job! It comes with little or no training, the job specs keep changing, and the drain on your physical and emotional resources is intense and relentless.

Trying to combine it with your actual job is bound to be a big ask, whichever number child you're on and however old they are.

In our case, we somehow managed to maintain a (mostly) happy family life, and we kept hold of our jobs.

There were often tough decisions to make about which parent would pick up which responsibility. For example, who should take the day off work when one of the kids was suddenly sick? Or who was better placed to go part-time during the baby years? As my colleague Suzanne White has recounted in an eye-opening blog, "Working Moms and Daddy Day Care," these are problems that many co-parents grapple with.

In our case, we mixed-and-matched as best we could, confronted some of our own assumptions as well as society's "norms," and somehow stayed friends (most of the time).

But it often felt like we were both making sacrifices – at home and at work.

Working Parent Power

With a family, life's unpredictable and often messy. It doesn't seem to provide the ideal backdrop for a successful career, especially when you're taking on new leadership roles.

But I've found that it's not all negative. In fact, there are moments when being a parent is an advantage at work, and times when your professional skills come into their own at home.

I know that I grew in confidence from being a parent, for example. After all, if I could prep for a meeting while putting out breakfast, then defuse a toddler tantrum on the way to pre-school, and still get to my desk on time, how hard could the rest of the day be?

And if I could mediate between team members with different views, surely I could sort out an argument between an eight- and a six-year-old about which cartoon to watch?

There were even moments – often more by luck than judgment – when everything came together beautifully. "Parents Who Lead" calls these "four-way wins."

Four-Way Wins

These magical moments happen when you do things that turn out to be good for you, your family, your organization, and even your community.

One good example for me was getting involved in my son's soccer club. It was great for my health. He loved having me there, while it was obviously a good way to strengthen community links, too.

Rather less obviously, it also helped me at work. It provided new insights about team working, for instance. I even made valuable business contacts simply by chatting to the other moms and dads.

I spotted four-way wins at work, too. One time I led a partnership putting on a new music festival – which turned out well for my organization, and for me. It let me indulge my love of live music, give something back to the community, and maybe even talk to my teenagers!

The Best of Both Worlds?

In my experience (and often through getting it wrong first), parenting breeds resilience. It teaches you to prioritize, and enriches a wide range of communication skills. It also equips you to deal with all the different – and sometimes difficult – people that you meet at work.

If you let it, your work can enrich your parenting. Why not borrow a few professional time-management techniques for home life, for example? Once or twice we've sorted out home issues by running family meetings. Don't leave all your hard-won work skills at the office, if they could help you at home.

Perhaps the biggest lesson I've learned is to ditch the idea of "work-life balance," and aim for "work-life integration" instead. Purely in scheduling terms, there aren't enough hours in the day to achieve everything – if you try to keep family and work distinct.

So, find a few ways for them to overlap comfortably, and both will seem that bit more manageable.

Stand Up for Working Parents

The parents on your team may have bags under their eyes, and you may spot them glancing at their watches toward the end of meetings. However, they're likely developing new skills and experiences to bring to their job. So, support them when life is tough, and guide them in putting all the things that they're learning to good use.

Talk to them about what will help most. A working parent may need more time to do something, more help with part of their role. Or they may just need a little more flexibility for a while. Then again, they may need more challenge at work – and be ready for it.

With the right support, work can help parents to keep going. It provides co-workers to talk to, tasks to interest and challenge them, and chances to prove themselves beyond their parenting role. Emerging from lockdown, these are things that many parents must be longing for!

Meanwhile, with each new stage of family life, parents will likely be growing into even more confident and competent professionals. After all, they're receiving some of the best leadership training it's possible to get!

Downloading Our "Parents Who Lead" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio downloads.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Premium Club member or corporate user, download or stream the "Parents Who Lead" Book Insight now.

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate membership, ask for a demo with one of our team.

What's your take on the leadership challenges and opportunities for working parents? Join the discussion below!

The post Can You Be a Good Leader and a Good Parent? appeared first on Mind Tools.